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Maybe this is only funny to those of us who live here, but here it is anyway. The other day, I was buzzing around over the east side of Wichita when I heard this: Wichita Approach: "Bizjet 123, maintain 3,500. Departing traffic from Jabara and Beech Field." Bizjet 123: "3,500 for 123. You guys sure have a lot of airports around here!" Wichita Approach: "Well, Wichita is known as the Air Capitol." Bizjet 123: "Really? I didn't realize that!" My Co-Pilot: facepalm John "Dizzy" Phunt via e-mail More

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FABC: "Tower, be advised there were several large birds on approach to runway 32." YKF Tower (spotting birds through binoculars) : "Roger. XYZ, look out for multiple birds of prey on approach." FXYZ: "Klingons in sight, XYZ." Michael Schuster via e-mail More

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A ground controller told me, after I cleared the runway at JFK, to proceed to the gate and then "stay with me." I said, "Sure. Just give me your address." The silence was deafening. John Lewis via e-mail More

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In the hangar all day listening to our radio, I heard several pilots ask our tower if they were closing. This was the best exchange: N12345: "Are you guys done for?" Tower: "Who do you mean me or the tower?" N1234U: "Both." Tower: "I'm done at noon, but the tower is going to be around for a long time." Scott Peterson via e-mail More

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I don't remember the exact date, but I overheard this conversation with ATC about 35 years ago. Those were the days when we had the old surplus DGs and transponders were not required near busy terminals. Weather was clear, but a cloud layer had formed over the airport and trapped some students on top. Lost Pilot: "Tower, this is Cessna 123, and I am lost." ATC: "Roger. Can you tell me your last known position?" Lost Pilot: "Yes. I was just west of Ft. Lauderdale, but I can longer see the ground." ATC: "Do you have a transponder?" Lost Pilot: "No." ATC: "O.K. Turn to a heading of 360." Lost Pilot: "I don't have that number!" ATC: "What does your heading indicator say?" Lost Pilot: "It says E ." ATC: "O.K. Turn to N ." Lost Pilot: "O.K." ATC: "Roger. Now turn to W ." Lost Pilot: "O.K." ATC: "Roger. Radar-identified, and now we will steer you to a VFR airport so you can land." Lost Pilot: "Thank you!" Cal W. Tax via e-mail More

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My first flying job was as a flight instructor at Hanger One at Millard Airport (MLE) in Nebraska. One evening in 1989, while working with an instrument student in a Cessna 150, I overheard another instructor, Karl Lindholm, familiarizing his student with tower communications at Epply Airfield in Omaha, Nebraska. With calm winds and no other traffic in the area, the tower was allowing them to perform touch-and-goes on different runways. I then overheard the following: Tower: "Cessna 12345, you are cleared for the option on all runways." Karl: "Roger. So are we cleared to run amok?" Tower: "Affirmative. 12345 is cleared to run amok. Advise when you are ready to return to Millard." Gerald Sheehy via e-mail More

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Heard on the tower frequency at an airport that will remain undisclosed to protect the innocent: Cessna 12345: "Tower can you have regional jet ABC meet us on Unicom freqency for a personal message?" Jet ABC: "Tower, tell the Cessna we are a professional crew on a schedule and we don't have time for idle chit chat." Cessna 12345: "O.K. Tower, you may want to tell that professional crew they left the landing-gear lock pin in the nose gear. Have a nice day!" Larry Cosby via e-mail More

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Jacksonville Center asked a military flight over norther Florida a question: Jacksonville Center: "Dixie 22, confirm you are a flight of two." Dixie 22: "Dixie22. That is correct. We are a flight of two." Jacksonville Center: "Well, sir, I show you 17 miles in trail. That is a pretty loose formation, don't you think?" Dixie 22: "Dixie 22. Roger." Hans Intgroen via e-mail More

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Overflying KLAL en route to KBOW, we overheard a conversation between KLAL tower and a flight of two military pilots flying training approaches. As they declared "going missed," the tower issued missed approach clearances and then asked, "So you are Navy?" One pilot responded (with obvious pride), "He is Navy, but I am United States Marine Corps." My co-pilot, who is a retired Navy Commander, couldn't resist entering the conversation and keyed the mike, stating, "If you check that Globe and Anchor, you'll find it says Department of the Navy." Without a second of hesistation, the military pilot came back with, "Yeah but it's the men's department." Nothing else needed to be said, and the tower controller was very quiet for several seconds laughing, I assume. Gerry McCarley via e-mail More

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My neighbor spent most of his career as an airline pilot, but he also did one stint during a furlough in the early 1980s as a controller at Van Nuys. He swears the following is true. One day, my friend, who we'll call Bob (since that's his name), was reading a clearance to an an aircraft as an MU-2 (high-wing twin) was landing. The other controller prodded Bob and said, "Look at this." The MU-2 had landed but was having trouble taxiing, despite applying plenty of power. "I think our brakes have locked up," radioed one of the crew. "Can you look us over and tell us if you see anything?" "Do you want to tell them or should I?" asked the other controller. "You tell them," replied Bob, grabbing a pair of binoculars. "I want to see their faces when you tell them that the gear is up." Art Friedman via e-mail More