January 16, 2012
About 40 years ago, when I was learning to fly at Christchurch International in New Zealand, I was holding for take-off on the grass when I heard this exchange from the tower with a visiting farmer who was heading back to the farm.
Tower:
"You're cleared for take-off — runway 29."
Farmer:
"Cleared for take-off; 29.
Tower (a little while later) :
"Bravo Chalie Alpha, nice take-off."
Farmer:
"Uh, thank you, tower."
Tower:
"Just one small thing: Next time, can you use the runway instead of the taxiway?"
Barrie Smith
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January 9, 2012
I heard this on a recent trip into New York's JFK Airport:
Air Carrier:
"Kennedy tower, how do you read?"
Kennedy Tower:
"Usually from left to right."
Keith F. Lauder
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January 2, 2012
While working approach control at Columbus, Georgia several years ago I had this exchange with a pilot:
Cessna 123:
"Columbus Approach, Cessna 123."
Me:
"Cessna 123, Columbus Approach."
Cessna 123:
"Columbus Approach, how far is it from here to where I'm at?"
Just try to answer that with a straight face!
Bruce Hargis
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December 26, 2011
One day, while flying over the Rockies with a strong jet stream and many turbulence reports in the Denver airspace, I heard Denver Center ask for ride reports.
United 123:
"Good day, Denver. United 123 with you at FL 350."
Denver Center:
"Roger, United 123. How's your ride?"
United 123:
"Well, the captain is having his lunch, and he just jabbed himself with his fork; so we could call it as moderate turbulence."
Denver Center:
"Thanks, United 123. Break, break. Air Canada 456, how's your ride at FL350?"
Air Canada 456:
"Sorry, Denver, we can't tell. We haven't eaten yet."
John Duckmanton
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December 19, 2011
After a local excursion to exercise my C-172 engine, I returned to my local airport. There was a helicopter in the area providing position reports. After I announced downwind, the helicopter came on the radio:
Helicopter:
"Do you know anything about the airplane crash this morning?"
Me:
"No. I have been out of the area, haven't heard anything."
An unidentified source, critical of the excess publicity airplane accidents receive:
"If you want to know what happened, listen to the news."
[A long pause.]
Helicopter:
"We are the news."
Angus McCamant
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December 12, 2011
Our tower does periodic checks. About mid-day, I heard on the scanner:
Salem Tower:
"Tower test for tapes. One, two, three. Three, two, one. Test out."
A Local Aircraft:
"Salem tower, loud and clear. N12345."
Salem Tower:
"Aircraft N12345: Frequency change approved."
Mary Ann Lebold
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December 5, 2011
Realizing that I had not practiced an engine-out approach in too long, I decided to "fail" my Lycoming while doing touch-and-goes at Jacksonville's Herlong airport.
Me:
"Cherokee 69T. Simulated engine-out and short approach."
[After a few moments, I saw that I would be seriously short.]
Me:
"Cherokee 69T again, simulating getting my engine back on!"
(The next try was spot-on.)
Milford Shirley
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November 28, 2011
While working local Control (tower) as a newly minted Air Force controller in the '60s, I often got requests from local pilots for practice DF steers, [our location] having one of the last DFs in the area. The DF console was located on the opposite side of the tower from Local, and I had a number of T-33s trying to land when the following exchange occurred:
T-33:
"Laughlin Tower, AF123. Request practice DF steer."
Me:
"AF123, unable on account of traffic."
[long pause]
T-33:
"Then how about a real one?"
Of course, I issued the steer.
Ray Laughinghouse
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November 21, 2011
Sad but true. I was en route to Winchester, north of the DC area, when I heard a pilot in a Piper making this request:
Piper:
"I am low on fuel and need to go direct Martinsburg."
Potomac:
"Sir, I cannot give you direct Martinsburg. That route would take you through P40."
Piper:
"But I am low on fuel and need direct Martinsburg."
Potomac:
"Sir, if you are concerned about fuel I can give you vectors to Gaithersburg."
Piper:
"If you give me direct Martinsburg, I won't need to stop for fuel."
Potomac:
"Sir, If you went direct Martinsburg from your position, it would put you right in the middle of P40 and fuel would be the least of your worries."
June Smith
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November 14, 2011
I heard this going into Los Angeles International Airport on SoCal approach frequency:
Approach:
"Airliner 123, turn right, heading 180, for spacing."
Airliner 123:
"Right turn, 180. Airliner 123. What's up?"
Approach:
"Well, our computers have the ability to suggest a specific vector to help us get the required spacing. So the computer says you gotta go south for a while."
Airliner 123:
"Oh. Well, our computer says that direct to the airport for the visual will work."
Approach (laughing) :
"Yeah, but my computer trumps your computer."
Frank Bowlin
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