Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I was departing Terre Haute, Indiana. The ATIS said clear below 12,000, but I could see a scattered layer of clouds to the south with tops around 4,500 feet. After tower switched me to departure, there was this exchange:

Cessna 123 (me):
"Approach, Cessna 123. Request VFR-on-top 5,500."

Controller (sarcastically):
"Cessna 123, it's called 'clear.'"

Cessna 123 (me):
"Then I'd like to report strange puffy white things with tops around 4,500, 12 o'clock, 10 miles."

The controller must not have understood that VFR-on-Top does not require clouds.

John Rudolph
Evansville, Indiana

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I heard someone call Jacksonville Center "Jacksonville approach." When corrected, the pilot apologized.

Controller:
"I've been called worse."

Pilot:
"You must be married."

No telling if the controller was or not ... .

Frank Long
Tampa, Florida

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

En route from North Platte, Nebraska to Cedar Rapids, Iowa I overheard the following:

Cessna:
"Minneapolis Center, Cessna 12345, request flight following to Omaha."

Center:
"Cessna 12345, Minneapolis Center. Say position."

Cessna:
"I'm almost on the Kansas border."

Center:
"That's a fairly wide state. Can you narrow it down for me?"

Keith Reed Marion
Iowa

This is an exchange that happened ... on a trip from Las Vegas (Henderson) to Oklahoma City (Sundance Air Park). We were level at 15,000 and just handed off from Las Vegas TRACON to LA Center. We had been at 15,000 for a few minutes and were definitely hungry to get to our final altitude of FL270. The busy airspace due to a NASCAR race complicated matters for everyone.

Starship XXXX (me):
"LA Center, good afternoon, Starship XXXX level at one five thousand, direct cowboy, looking for higher."

ZLA:
"Starship XXXX, LA Center. Maintain one five thousand MD-80 traffic in your six o'clock position in a very slow climb. I need to keep you at one five thousand until clear of traffic."

Starship XXXX:
"LA Center, Starship XXXX, maintain one five thousand.

[pause]

"LA Center, Starship XXXX, no contact with traffic."

ZLA (without missing a beat):
"That's the idea."

Christopher Dean
via e-mail

Heard on SoCal Approach:

Approach:
"Cessna 1234A, you have traffic at 12 o'clock, six miles at your altitude."

[no response]

Approach:
"Cessna 1234A, you have traffic at 12 o'clock, four miles at your altitude."

[no response]

Approach:
"Cessna 1234A, you have traffic at 12 o'clock, two miles at your altitude."

Cessna1234A:
"I'm looking for the traffic ... !"

Approach:
"Sir, I cannot see you nod your head; you must respond to my tranmissions.

Jim Mallen
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard on Denver approach frequency:

Approach:
"Great Lakes One Twenty Three, traffic six o'clock, two miles, 1000 feet above you, a 737."

Great Lakes:
"Approach, Great Lakes One Twenty Three, if I told you I could see him, I'd be lying."

Approach:
"If you told me you could see him, you'd be my mother — 'cause you'd have eyes in the back of your head."

David J. Livingston
Colorado Springs, Colorado

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

While on a trip in a Grumman Cheetah from Marathon, Florida Keys to Exuma in the Bahamas, I ran into a large area of clouds hanging over Andros Island. They'd been classified as benign when I'd received my weather briefing about an hour and a half earlier. I penetrated with a warning from Miami Center:

Miami Center:
"Grumman XXXXX, I show a large area of weather ahead of you. How would you like to proceed?"

Grumman:
"My Stormscope shows it's not active. I'll continue on course."

[a few minutes later]

Miami Center:
"Grumman XXXXX, say flight conditions."

Grumman:
"It's a little bumpy, but other than that it's fine."

[a few minutes later, after it suddenly turned active]

Grumman:
"Miami Center, Grumman XXXXX, experiencing ... severe ... turbulence. Request ... lower."

[I went up and down at about 2000 feet per minute. The Stormscope lit up all around us. We were tossed on our side.]

Miami Center:
"Grumman XXXXX, unable lower at this time. I'll have to call Nassau to get lower."

I righted the airplane. Everything flew around the cockpit. I saw a hole and aimed for it.

[a few minutes later]

Grumman:
"Miami Center, Grumman XXXXX, we're out of the weather now. Sorry about the deviation, but I could not hold altitude or course."

Miami Center:
"Not a problem, I understand."

A passing airliner overheard this ...

Airliner:
"Miami, Airliner XXXX, that guy that penetrated the weather over Andros — what kind of airplane did he say he was flying?"

Miami Center:
"A Grumman."

Airliner:
"Like a big Grumman?"

Miami Center:
"No, like a little Grumman Cheetah.

Airliner:
"A Cheetah? Wow, he's got a lot of balls."

Miami Center:
Airliner XXXX, I'm sorry, sir, you broke up. Say again?

Airliner:
"I said, he's got a lot of balls."

Miami Center:
"Airliner XXXX, I'm sorry, sir, you are coming in broken up again. I believe you said (ahem) that he was a very brave man?"

Bob Brayman Marathon
Florida Keys

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

While flying practice approaches at Sioux City, Iowa I heard:

Tower:
"Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."

[a short silence, presumably while the Skylane pilot questioned passengers on the transmission]

Skylane:
"Eight Seven Charlie, say again?"

Tower:
"Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."

[again, a short silence]

Skylane:
"Ah, cleared for the approach — but what do you mean by the waterfall caution?"

Tower:
"Waterfall. You know, ducks and geese — water fowl."

Larry Gerek
Omaha, Nebraska

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard on 121.5 on December 1, 2001 in the Frederick/Hagerstown, Maryland area (near Camp David or P40):

Pilot:
"Air Force on 121.5, Cherokee One Two Three."

Air Force (my guess is this was the AWACS controller):
"Go ahead."

Pilot:
"There are some F-15s near me. They do not answer my calls."

Air Force:
"F-15s do not have VHF capability; F-16s do."

[pause]

"Where are you?"

Pilot:
Near Hagerstown; I am doing some photo work.

Air Force:
"You are probably violating expanded P40 and they are escorting you out."

Herbert Rosenthal
Bethesda, Maryland

On a Qantas flight from Adelaide to Perth last week, our lovely senior air steward announced the following after the doors closed:

Over the Speaker:
"Ladies and gentleman, please turn off all electronic devices such as laptops, mobile phones, washing machines and hairdryers. However, if they have a flight mode, please switch now."

It made me smile; must be hard to repeat the same thing every flight.

D. Dann
via e-mail

Today, the weather in Southern Wisconsin was dicey. Severe thunderstorms with hail, high winds, and tornados on the ground 20 miles north of the Madison, Wisconsin Dane County Regional airport.

A female voice in a Learjet 45 comes over to Madison approach from Chicago Center and says:
"Madison approach, Lear 12345 is with you out of 10,000 planning on landing Madison to pick up fuel. We've been chased all over the place with this weather."

After vectoring her to the 18 ILS, the controller says:
"Airport 11 o'clock, 10 miles; do you have it?"

She says:
"Yes, we have the runway in sight."

Controller says:
"Then I suggest that you take over visually and 'save yourself.' Tower now on 119.3."

With a halting voice she replies:
"I've never heard it put quite that way before. That's pretty blunt. Going over to the tower now."

Robert Wuilleumier
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I was en route to a New England airport famous for its fog. The ATIS reported below minimums but gradual ix, improving. Approach said to expect the ILS, and I could hear one aircraft ahead, a local airliner. Approach cleared me for the approach and sent the other aircraft to tower.

Me:
"Did the aircraft ahead get in?"

Approach:
"Well, he didn't fly the missed. Contact tower."

Me:
"Tower, at what altitude did the previous plane break out?"

[pause]

Tower:
"I didn't ask."

Me (after landing a little proudly):
"Tower, be advised that we broke out just above minimums."

Tower:
"Everybody does."

John Ward
via e-mail

We were a flight of three consisting of two Cessna 180s and one Maule headed into the Lake Parker holding pattern [for Sun 'n Fun 2008]. We had dropped to extended trail and began circling the lake following a Glastar, and we had two twins holding above us as well. After about 20 minutes of circling and waiting for the field to re-open after the airshow, we were joined in the hold by a new Cirrus pilot.

Controller:
"Tailwheels, nice job keeping the seperation. Keep the pattern a little closer to the shoreline on the west side of the lake. The field should open in the next 10 to 15 minutes. Cirrus, enter the hold behind the red-and-black high wing."

Cirrus:
"Control, we have a rental car waiting for us, and if we don't get down there in time they may give it away. Could we get priority consideration as soon as the field opens?"

Maule:
"Control, we have cold beer waiting for us in the campground, and if we don't get down there in time, it may get warm. Could we get priority consideration as soon as the field opens?"

Controller (laughing):
"All aircraft continue in the hold for now. We will advise when the field re-opens and release the aircraft as they arrived."

Chris Davis
via e-mail during Sun 'n Fun

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard on the scanner over Adelaide, South Australia:

Airliner (I think it was a Qantas, but I didn't hear the start of the transmission):
"We won't need to divert into Adelaide now. The passenger is feeling much better now that he has been moved to business class."

Controller:
"Amazing what recuperative powers business class has."

Leigh P. Bunting
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I was doing practice approaches when I heard approach control contact another aircraft on a similar mission:

Controller:
"N1234, what are your intentions after this approach?"

N1234:
"I'll be missed approach, and I'd like vectors to the ILS 36."

Controller:
"Missed approach instructions: Climb to 2800 and direct to the VOR."

[... sometime later ...]

N1234:
"Approach, N1234 is missed approach direct to the VOR. Request vectors for the ILS 36."

Control:
"Turn right to 1-1-0 degrees, vector for the ILS. Maintain 2800 feet. I'm showing you at 3400 feet."

N1234:
"Descending to 2800. I'm sorry. I'm having a discussion with the auto-pilot as to which of us is actually pilot-in-command."

John Steiner
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Departing Oakland for Redding, California, NorCal Departure handed me off to Oakland Center. I changed frequencies but attended to some other issues and couldn't remember if I'd checked in:

Me:
"Oakland Center, Skyhawk XXXXX, six thousand. I can't remember if we actually checked in or if I just thought about it."

Oakland Center:
"XXXXX, roger. No, you didn't check in — but it's the thought that counts."

Walt Odets
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

We've heard different variations on this tale through the years, but here's one that can't be beat, if only for sheer enthusiasm:

I tried to pass on this little tale many years ago without success, and since I never saw a response, I will try one more time, just for my old Yankee mate, Ken Sunderland:

An Aussie grazier flew his antique Auster aircraft to Mascot airport, Sydney, some time back to enact some business at the offices of business acquaintances. Not being familiar with controlled airspace procedures (although making it safely to the airport), he required and requested guidance to the GA parking area. Much later, after the completion of his business and returning to the airport, he eventually taxied out to the major runway 16, again guided by ATC to take his place in the queue for take-off clearance.

When finally cleared to line up and subsequently cleared for take-off, his instructions were to call "123 airborne" (the departure frequency). Applying maximum power and concentrating on keeping his aircraft on the centerline on the roll, the tail rose, and soon after that, the aircraft became airborne — whereupon the pilot pressed his transmit button and called:

"1! 2! 3! ... Airborne!"

Geoff Litchfield
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I'm a CFI who was flying into Vero Beach, Fla., and it's widely known that one of the tower controllers often flies to work. The winds were favoring the single runway, so the parallel runways were not in use, and the tower was busier than usual. While flying the pattern with a student, I heard the following:

Cessna:
"Vero Beach Tower, Cessna XXXX inbound for landing, full stop."

Tower (with what sounded like a straight face, though it couldn't have been):
"Cessna XXXX, remain clear class Delta, expect one hour delay." [We weren't that busy, so I was shocked.]

Cessna:
"Um, but I'm your replacement!"

Tower (now laughing):
"Oh! Cessna XXXX, report left base, runway 4!"

Overheard at Santa Barbara, California. (I wasn't paying attention at the beginning of this call, so I don't know the type of aircraft.)

Aircraft:
"Santa Barbara Clearance, N***** at FBO, requesting clearance to —"

[pause]

Aircraft:
"Oh, hell."

Clearance (deadpan and without hesitation):
"I can't send you there ... ."

Jo Duffy
via e-mail

Today's "Short Final" breaks with tradition a bit by not being heard over the radio — but we couldn't pass up the opportunity to share this tale:

"I was coming back from Tampa in the early evening heading for Craig in my 182. Over Gainesville I came around a large cloud and came face to face with a UFO.

"Black, octagon-shaped with spikes, clearly not of terrestrial origin. I turned toward it. Heart racing, sweating like a pig, I could barely hold her steady. I don't believe in UFOss but there it was. About a mile out, it turns, and I can see the word Goodyear on it's side.

"What I saw in the fading light was the Blimp on end.

"But for a brief moment, I was making history.

"Things are often not what they seem."

Dr. James L. Jones
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I was on the ILS into Oakland, California one busy dav and was cleared to land behind two other aircraft that were in the pattern. The pilot of the aircraft ahead of me was clearly flustered:

Piper:
"Tower, is Piper One Two Three cleared to land?"

Tower:
"Piper One Two Three, yes, you're cleared to land. Runway 27 Right, number two behind a Cessna just passing over the numbers."

Piper:
"Okay, Piper One Two Three cleared to land behind the Cessna."

[pause]

Piper:
"I don't see him."

[pause]

Piper:
"Tower, is Piper One Two Three number one to land on 27 Right?"

Tower:
"Piper One Two Three, you are soooo number one."

John Ewing
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

We were in our Seneca performing the pre-takeoff run-up at Orlando, Florida when we heard this exchange on ground control frequency:

Cessna:
"Orlando Ground, Ccssna Two Three Four, clear of the active."

Ground Control:
"Cessna Two Three Four, taxi to the ramp."

Cessna [still on ground frequency but thinking he'd switched to unicom 122.95] :
"Executive Air, ah, this is Cessna Two Three Four — we're going to need some gas."

Ground Control:
"I've got plenty of gas, but I don't think it'll work very well in your airplane. Try Executive Air on 122.95."

Gary Sage
Grand Rapids, Michigan

Overheard on a recent trip from Cross City to DeLand (Fla.), with flight following provided by Orlando Approach:

Orlando Approach:
"Cardinal 12345, destination is 12 o'clock 10 miles. Advise you have destination in sight."

Cardinal 345:
"Approach, 345 has destination in sight."

Orlando Approach:
"Cardinal 345, Squawk VFR, frequency change approved, no traffic observed between you and your present position."

Cardinal (pilot to co-pilot):
"I think that's good!"

Dee Ann Ediger
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

The following exchange took place en route to the opening day at Sun 'n Fun one April:

Me:
"Jacksonville Center, Bonanza Four Seven Two Zero Yankee. 11,000."

Center:
"Bonanza Four Seven Two Zero Yankee, roger. Jacksonville altimeter 30.12."

Me:
"Are you working a lot of traffic to Lakeland this afternoon?"

Center:
"I'll tell you what: If you fell out of your airplane right now, you'd never hit the ground."

Robert J. Miller
Tonawanda, New York

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

En route from San Antonio, Texas to Kerb Wille, I let my 19-year-old private pilot daughter run the radios:

daughter:
"Center, Piper Five Six Six Seven Romeo."

Center:
"Piper Six Seven Romeo, go ahead."

daughter:
"Request flight following."

Center:
"Piper Six Seven Romeo, state vour location, altitude, and destination."

[long pause]

daughter:
"Uh, San Antonio."

[another pause]

Center:
"Piper Six Seven Romeo, when you figure out where you are and where you want to go, give us a call back."

James Crawford
via e-mail

Heard a few years ago whilst flying a 747 from LAX to LHR:

Salt Lake Center:
"Airline 123, you bound for Vegas?"

Airline 123:
"Yup."

Salt Lake Center:
"You a [DC-]10?"

Airline 123:
"Yup."

Salt Lake Center:
"Well, I guess your passengers need a 10 to take home their winnings?"

Airline 123:
"Nope! Our passengers can take home their winnings in a Cessna 152."

Alan Murgatroyd
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Many years ago, in Calgary:

Snooty voice:
"Ah, tower, Air Canada Two Oh Four. This will be a fully automatic landing if you'd care to observe."

Imitative voice:
"Ah, tower, this is Canadian Six Seventy Five [rival]. This will be a fully manual landing, if you'd care to observe."

John Warner

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Returning to Princeton, New Jersey in a Seminole, I was proudly clipping along at 140 knots and can only assume that my deep voice and professional-sounding tone led to us appearing to be more than we were:

Me:
"New York approach, Seminole Two Two Eight, 5000."

Approach:
"Seminole Two Two Eight, Morristown altimeter 30.08. Proceed direct Solberg, maintain 5000. Were you given any speed restrictions? If so, you can resume normal speed."

Me:
"Direct Solberg, 5000, Two Two Eight. And we're a Seminole. This is normal speed."

Karl Siil
Princeton, New Jersey

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard at Lawrence, Massachusetts:

Tower:
"Arrow Eight Two Xray, slowest possible speed. Traffic ahead is an ultralight on a half-mile final."

Ultralight:
"Tower, we'll climb out so he can land."

Tower:
"Roger, climb and maintain 1700, runway heading. Arrow Eight Two Xray, cleared to land, caution, mowing in progress, right side of runway."

Arrow:
"Roger, duck under the lawn mower ahead and avoid the one on the ground. Cleared to land, Arrow Eight Two Xray."

Angelo Iannuzzo Nashua
New Hampshire

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Returning to Republic Airport in Farmingdale, New York on New Year's Day, I heard the following exchange on the air between the tower controller and the pilot of a Piper Arrow:

Arrow:
"Republic tower, Arrow One Two Three Four Five, eight miles north, inbound with India."

Tower:
"Arrow Three Four Five, report right downwind runway 32."

Arrow:
"Any chance we can get a straight in?"

Tower:
"You said you were north, didn't you?"

Arrow:
"Yes, seven miles north."

Tower:
"Arrow Three Four Five, the only way I can give you a straight in for Runway 32 is if you turn north and continue for about 24,000 miles."

[pause]

Arrow:
"Uh, okay. Sorry. Happy New Year ... ."

Daniel A. Torres
Baldwin, New York

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard in the vicinity of Buchanan Tower in Concord, California:

Cessna 123:
"Buchanan Tower, this is Cessna One Two Three, seven south of Buchanan, 2000 feet, request transit, northbound."

Buchanan Tower:
"Cessna One Two Three, transition approved. Report clear."

[30-second pause]

Cessna 123:
"Tower, this is Cessna One Two Three. Where is Clear?"

Saul Chaikin

Romance in the air is alive and well. While on a CAP flight I heard the following over departure control:

Control:
Bonanza 123, squawk 4567.

A short while later ...

Control:
Bonanza 123, do you have a passenger named [woman's first name] aboard?

Bonanza 123:
Affirmative.

Control:
Can you put her on? We are holding an important message for her.

Bonanza 123:
Stand by.

[pause]

Bonanza 123 (woman's voice):
This is [woman's name].

Control:
We have been asked to relay a message to you from [man's name] in [aircraft number]. Are you ready to copy?

[pause]

Bonanza 123 (woman's voice):
Yes.

Control:
[Man's name] sends the following message: "Will you marry me?"

Bonanza 123:
[garbled transmission]

Control:
We didn't get that. What is your answer?

Bonanza 123 (woman's voice):
I would be honored.

Control:
Bonanza 123, we copy and will relay.

[pause]

Cap Flight 2237:
Cap Flight 2237 offers best wishes to the bride.

Delta 0000:
Delta 0000 offers best wishes to the bride.

Control:
Bonanza 123, Cap Flight 2237 and Delta 0000 send best wishes to the bride.

Bonanza 123 (woman's voice again): Thank you.

CAP Flight 2237:
Nice to know romance on the airways is alive and well. Over 3,000 hours up here, and I never heard anything like that.

Control:
Me either. We have never played cupid before.

Tom Simmons

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

With my CFII Jim in the right seat, we were on vectors to Allentown Airport for practice instrument approaches. En route, we heard the approach controller making the following call to another pilot in the area.

Approach:
Cessna One Three Four, two o'clock, same altitude, have you spotted it?

Cessna 134:
No, I'm under the hood.

Ed Dolezal
Bridgewater, New Jersey

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

During a recent departure from Essex County Airport in Caldwell, New Jersey, the tower controller must have been frazzled with intensive student training in the pattern:

Tower:
Bonanza Seven Zero Mike Romeo, contact New York departure and have a good flight.

Bonanza:
To departure. Bonanza Zero Mike Romeo.

Have a nice day.

Tower:
It's too late for that.

Jack Meagher
Southern Shores, North Carolina

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Returning home from the West Coast a few years ago, we landed in Flint, Mich. The Midwest had had weeks of rain and overcast skies that summer, and I got this on departure:

"Bonanza Five Four Seven Zero Victor, when you get on top, would you look out to the southeast and tell me if you see a big bright light?"

Don Sanderson
Bear Creek, Pennsylvania

When I was learning to fly in 1967 in Merced, Calif., we had no control tower. We were taught that after engine start-up, we should pretend to call the tower for taxi clearance.

Another pilot trainee started his engine, then immediately started to taxi. The instructor stopped him and advised that he had forgotten to call for clearance.

The trainee thought for a second, opened the pilot air vent, and, over the roar of the engine, yelled, "Clear!"

I do believe I tried to pass on this little edict many years ago without success, and since I never saw a response, I will try one more time, just for my old Yankee mate, Ken Sunderland:

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

The American League Championship series between Cleveland and Boston began on a Friday night. Early the next morning, after an IFR handoff to Boston Center, the pilot of a Boston-bound aircraft posed the all-important question:

Piper 123:
Sox win last night?

Boston Center:
Yeah!

Piper 123:
That's too bad.

[thoughtful pause]

Piper 123:
You're not going to make us hold now, are you?

Boston Center:
Probably not — but just remember, I'm not paying for the gas!

August 30, 2007

Piper Arrow pilot was on a 1/4-mile final, making a late-night emergency landing at MSP due to a faulty nosegear indicator, with fire trucks and emergency vehicles lining both sides of the runway.

Overheard:
Wow, not even [U.S. President] Bush gets this kind of treatment when he lands!

(The nose wheel held up O.K.)

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

We were just being handed off after leaving Ft. Lauderdale (FXE) to N. Eleuthra (MYEH).

Me:
Miami Center, Chieftan 867CJ leaving 2,000 for 7,500.

Miami (approach):
Chieftan 7CJ, you can fly direct if you stop calling me "center."

Me:
Roger that ... approach.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Piper 123: “They keep extending my route. If they keep extending my route I’m going to be low on fuel. Why can’t I go direct?”

Potomac Approach:: “Piper One Two Three, unable direct. Direc twill take you over P-40. Proceed direct Hagerstown, Victor 501, Martinsburg, then as previously cleared.”

Piper 123: “But if they didn’t keep extending me I wouldn’t get low on fuel.”

Approach:: “Piper One Two Three, if you feel you are low on fuel I advise you to stop somewhere and get fuel.”

After two more exchanges:

Approach:: “Piper One Two Three, I’m not doing this to you. You cannot fly over P-40. Are you familiar with P-40? It’s Camp David.”

Piper 123: “I know about Camp David, but I didn’t see any TFRs. This is making me get low on fuel.”

Approach:: “Piper One Two Three, if you fly over P-40 you’re not going to be worried about fuel.”

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Flying home to Portland Troutdale (KTTD) from Medford, Ore. (KMFR) Friday night, I heard the following:

Portland Approach: November One Two Charlie, traffic ten o’clock, southbound at 9,000, a Navajo.

12C: We’re looking.

Approach: Correction, it’s a Malibu.

12C: Still looking.

Approach: Sorry, it’s really a Navajo. Oh well, what the heck, it’s dark.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

On a recent trip from Illinois to Arkansas, we overheard the following exchange:

Razorback Approach: Cessna Two Three Tango, Razorback Approach. Have you changed your destination from Houston, Texas?

Cessna 23T: Razorback Approach, Cessna Two Three Tango. That’s a negative. Destination is still Houston.

Approach: Well Cessna Two Three Tango, on your current heading you are not going to even hit the state of Texas.

Cessna 23T: Approach, Cessna Two Three Tango … we are experiencing … nav problems.

Approach: Cessna Two Three Tango, we assumed that, too … turn right heading 179 direct Houston.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overhead during a rather quiet evening on Minneapolis Center.

Unknown aircraft: Minneapolis Center. Still there?

Minneapolis Center: Engineering to Bridge. Aye, Captain. Tricorder readings indicate carbon-based units still infest the planet.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard on ground frequency at Oakland-Pontiac (Mich.) Airport (KPTK):

Oakland Ground: Ground vehicle one, we’ve had a report of a hawk and a fox fighting at the approach end to 9R. Please investigate.

Ground One [minutes later]: Oakland Ground, this is ground vehicle one. The fight is over. The hawk won.

Oakland Ground: Yes! Once again, a demonstration of the clear superiority of air power.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

On a bumpy day near New York City, we heard the following exchange:

Diamond 8DS: New York Approach, Diamond Eight Delta Sierra. I'm getting continuous moderate turbulence at 5,000. Request 6,000. It looks like I'll be on top at six.

New York Approach: Diamond Eight Delta Sierra. Unable 6,000. Maintain 5,000.

Diamond 8DS: Maintain 5,000, Eight Delta Sierra.

New York Approach [a few minutes later]: Diamond Eight Delta Sierra, change to my frequency 133.75.

Diamond 8DS: “New York Approach, Diamond Eight Delta Sierra. Unable to change frequencies right now. I can't keep my hand on the radio knob in this turbulence.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

We were leaving Martha’s Vineyard when my student nervously contacted Cape Approach:

Cessna 38W: Cape Approach, Cessna Three Eight Whiskey, student pilot departing the Vineyard, requesting advisories to New Bedford.

Cape Approach: Cessna Three Eight Whiskey, Cape Approach. This should be interesting. I’m a student controller, squawk 2234, and ident.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard one day near Chicago:

Chicago Center: Southwest Two Four One Three, traffic at your nine o’clock, three miles.

Southwest 2413: What kind of a plane is that?

Center: Beech Seven Two Two, what type plane are you flying?

Beech 722: Bonanza F33A.

Center: Southwest did you copy?

Southwest 2413 [other pilot’s voice]: I don’t know why he wants to know — he can’t afford it.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Last July, on a 90-degree-plus day, in my Cessna 150 just 30 minutes fuel burn below gross, in IMC and at the already unbelievable altitude of 5,000 feet, Saginaw Approach made this request:

Saginaw Approach: Four Five Uniform, I need you to climb and maintain 7,000.

Cessna 45U: Leaving five climbing seven. But it’s gonna take me about 20 minutes to do it.

Approach: Four Five Uniform, I know. I don’t need you there for another 20 minutes!

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard at the Shreveport Downtown (KDTN) Airport, from a student pilot still very green on the radio.

N3AB: Uh, Downtown Ground, this is Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, will be taxiing to the north practice area, negative radar.

Downtown Ground [amused]: Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, I guess that would be quite a long taxi, wouldn’t it?

N3AB [after a short pause]: Uh, Downtown Ground, Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, uh, say again?

Ground [chuckling]: Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, never mind, taxi to runway one four.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard at DFW:

Dallas/Fort Worth Clearance Delivery: Nine Eight Two Sierra Yankee stand by to copy clearance.

N982SY: Nine Eight Two Sierra Yankee ready to copy.

Clearance Delivery: Nine Eight Two Sierra Yankee is cleared direct Rockport, after departure fly runway heading at or below 2,000 expect 10,000 in 10 minutes, contact Dallas Forth Worth Departure 125.2, squawk 2351.

N9800Y: Nine Eight Two Sierra Yankee fly runway -- hey, if you guys don’t hold still and be quiet, your mother and I will be flying to the Bahamas without you for spring break next week and you’ll be in Dallas with the babysitter. Am I clear?

Clearance Delivery: Oh no. Can I please go too, daddy?

N9880Y: Sure, come on. Guess I forgot to turn loose of the transmit button. Sorry.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard on Chicago Center at 4 a.m., with a female controller working a frequency with almost no traffic.

Cessna 3AB: Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, radio check.

Chicago Center: You’re loud and clear Three Alpha Bravo.

Cessna 3AB: Not too busy this morning?

Center: It’s not even four o’clock. Doesn’t pick up for another hour.

Cessna 3AB: [two minutes later] Chicago Center, Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, request direct O’Hare.

Center: Three Alpha Bravo, how about world peace?

Cessna 3AB: Worth a try.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard while flying into Troutdale, Ore. (KTTD) Class D airspace.

N338BV: Three Three Eight Bravo Victor, inbound, 3000 level, three miles, full stop.

Troutdale Tower: Three Three Eight Bravo Victor cleared straight-in Runway 25. Wind 270 at seven.

N338BV: Do you want me on a right- or left-hand pattern?

Tower: Neither, unless you can do it straight in.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard on Little Rock Airport's (KLIT) clearance delivery frequency.

King Air N1234: Little Rock clearance this is King Air N1234 with a request.

Clearance delivery: Go ahead.

King Air N1234: I have been trying to file a flight plan with Lockheed for more than 30 minutes. Could you take the info and file for me?

Clearance delivery: Sure, give me the info.

King Air N1234: [after the info was given] I never thought I would see the day when I would say the federal government was more efficient than the private sector. Thanks!

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I was flying a Cirrus SR22, introducing the plane to a CFI interested in seeing it in action. We were still about 20 miles out, but the controller was working us into the sequence with other planes, mostly trainers, setting up for practice approaches:

Seattle Approach: Cirrus Seven Charlie Delta, say airspeed.

Cirrus: Seven Charlie Delta is indicating 165.

Approach: Wow! Uh, okay. Cirrus Seven Charlie Delta, slow to 140 or less.

The CFI was rolling with joy, saying, "Dude, you got a 'Wow!'"

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

There is an approach into San Francisco (KSFO) known as the Quiet Bridge Visual. During this approach, commercial operators fly to the bridge and match up with another aircraft for the parallel runway.

NorCal Approach: United Four Five Three, report traffic 10 o’clock one mile, a Skywest Brasilia in sight, and slow to one seven zero.

United 453: Traffic, bridge, airport, parking lot, and my car in sight.

NorCal: United Four Five Three, roger, cleared for the visual two eight right, enjoy your days off, contact tower.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard while flying through Boston Approach's airspace one Sunday evening:

Boston Approach: Piper Four Five Mike, are you a single or twin?

Piper 45M: I am a single with twin envy.

Boston: Say again?

Piper 45M (slightly wistful sounding): Piper Four Five Mike is a single-engine piston.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard between a Cessna 310 driver and Chicago Center.

Chicago Center: Cessna One Two Three Five Bravo, I’ll bring you in a little high so I don’t lose radar contact while vectoring you to the ILS. Do you think you’ll have any problem losing the necessary altitude to make the approach?

Cessna 1235B: No problem Center, this baby comes down like a Bonanza full of doctors!

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

After 10 years of flying a Twin Comanche, I upgraded to a Beech Baron. With the Beechcraft Pilot Proficiency Program in Lakeland, Fla. under my belt, I advanced the throttles on my first PIC flight into Orlando airspace.

Me: Orlando Approach, Baron Eight Two Four just off Lakeland, five miles to the east, out of 1,200 for 3,500. Would like to coordinate a Class B entry en route to New Smyrna Beach, VFR.

Approach [in a classic southern drawl]: Baron Eight Two Four, this is Tampa Approach, and if you don’t call us Orlando, we won't call you a Piper. Squawk two seven three zero and ident.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

The following exchange took place en route to opening day at Sun 'n Fun last April

Bonanza: Jacksonville Center, Bonanza Four Seven Two Zero Yankee. 11,000.

Center: Bonanza Four Seven Two Zero Yankee, Roger, Jacksonville altimeter 30.12.

Bonanza: Are you working a lot of traffic to Lakeland this afternoon?

Center: I'll tell you what -- if you fell out of your airplane right now, you'd never hit the ground.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I heard this somewhere out East while in the clag and trying to find an approach plate:

Piper: Center, Lance Six Two Eight One November, with you at 7,000 feet.

Center (sounding tired): Lance, Six Two Eight One November, roger. But two things: first you don't need to say "feet" because that's understood. And more importantly, you aren't "with me." I know everybody in this radar room, and you aren't here.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

While cruising at flight levels in a Cheyenne, we heard the following between an American airliner and Miami Center:

American: Center, American Fourteen Eighty-Two looking for higher.

Center: Didn't hear you check in.

American: "First time I've heard your voice. I must've forgot.

Center: That happens when you're over twenty-six or seven.

American: I hope you're talking thousands of feet.

Center: No, age. Sorry.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

During a recent departure from Essex County Airport in Caldwell, N.J., the tower controller must have been frazzled with intensive student training in the pattern:

Tower: Bonanza Seven Zero Mike Romeo, contact New York departure and have a good flight.

Bonanza: To departure. Bonanza Zero Mike Romeo. Have a nice day.

Tower: It's too late for that.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Pittsburgh Ground: Delta Eleven Twenty, follow Hooters off your left to Runway Two-Eight Right.

Delta Eleven Twenty: (in a slow southern drawl) Well, I’ve been doin’ that all my life, and it’s only got me in trouble with the wife.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

United 123: Center, we’ve got continuous chop at 390. Is the ride any better lower?

Center: United 123, standby. Cactus 222 how’s the ride?

Cactus 222: Continuous chop at 350.

Center: United 111, no joy. We’re getting reports of continuous light to moderate chop at all flight levels.

Unknown Aircraft: C’mon down big fella! The ride’s nice and smooth here at flight level 085!

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard while flying between Athens, Ga. and Charleston, S.C.:

Bizjet 123: Approach we just flew through the localizer. Can you vector us around for another attempt — early turn in?

Augusta Approach: Sorry about that. I was on the land line coordinating with Center and the guy just kept talking and talking and talking. I couldn’t get him off the phone.

Bizjet 123: Yeah, I understand. Sometimes I can’t get my wife off the phone, either.

Approach: Well, she must be working at Atlanta Center then.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard at Gainesville, Florida Airport:

Cessna: Gainesville tower, Cessna Three Four Five, seven west with Tango.

Tower: Cessna One Two Three Four Five, cleared to land Runway six.

Cessna: We'd prefer Runway one zero, we have some passengers to drop off at the terminal.

Tower: Cessna Three Four Five, you can't do that, you have to use the general aviation FBO.

Cessna: We called ahead and they said we could drop them off as long as we stayed clear of the gate.

Tower: I don't know who told you that, but I'll ask the airport manager.

Tower (a short time later): Cessna Three Four Five. I'm sorry, but you can't taxi to the terminal. However, if you'd like I can clear you for a low approach, and your passengers can jump out as you fly by.

Cessna: (Laughs) How about I just use Runway six?

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard in Southern Florida:

Fort Myers Approach: Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading.

Cessna: Ah, we're headin' for Tampa.

Fort Myers Approach: Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading.

Cessna: Well, okay, we're headin' for the LaBelle VOR first and then going on to Tampa.

Fort Myers Approach: Cessna Three Four Alpha, could you look at your compass and tell me what number is behind the little line?

Cessna: Oh...you want to know which way we're going right now. Three five zero, sir.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

This comes from a search and rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base in Bagotville, Quebec. It happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:

Helicopter pilot: Roger, I'm holding at 3,000 feet over the beacon.

Second voice: (Panic in voice) No, you can't be doing that...I'm holding at 3,000 feet over that beacon.

Helicopter pilot: (Short pause) You idiot, you're my copilot.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Piper Six Seven Romeo: Center, Piper Six Seven Romeo.

Center: Piper Six Seven Romeo, go ahead.

Piper Six Seven Romeo: Request flight following.

Center: Piper Six Seven Romeo, state your location, altitude, and destination.

Piper Six Seven Romeo: [After a long pause] Uh, San Antonio.

Center: [After pause] Piper Six Seven Romeo, when you figure out where you are and where you want to go, give us a call back.

Bonanza: Jacksonville Center, Bonanza Two Zero Yankee. 11,000.

Center: Bonanza Two Zero Yankee, Roger, Jacksonville altimeter 30.12.

Bonanza: Are you working a lot of traffic to Lakeland this afternoon?

Center: I'll tell you what -- if you fell out of your airplane right now, you'd never hit the ground.

Approach: Great Lakes One Twenty Three, traffic six o'clock, two miles, 1000 feet above you, a 737.

Great Lakes: Approach, Great Lakes One Twentv-Three, if I told you I could see him, I'd be lyin'.

Approach: If you told me you could see him, you'd be my mother, 'cause you'd have eves in the back of your head.

Baltimore Tower: Cirrus 123, your remarks section says you're an Indy fan.

Cirrus 123: Well, no not really, I'm originally from Baltimore, and you know how that story goes.

Baltimore Tower: You're a Ravens fan then?

Cirrus 123: No.

Baltimore Tower: Ah. A Colts fan, wherever they happen to be?

Cirrus 123: Yeah, that's a good way of putting it.

Seminole Two Two Eight: "New York approach, Seminole Two Two Eight, 5,000."

Approach: "Seminole Two Two Eight, Morristown altimeter 30.08. Proceed direct Solberg, maintain 5,000. Were you given any speed restrictions? If so, you can resume normal speed."

Seminole Two Two Eight: "Direct Solberg, 5,000, Two Two Eight. And we're a Seminole. This is normal speed."

Author unknown

Cape approach: "Cessna Four Five Six, are you aware that you are heading toward a restricted area?"

Cessna: "No, I wasn't aware of a restricted area. What's in there?"

Cape approach: "It's some type of microwave installation."

Cessna: "Yup, I see a tower ahead."

Cape approach: "That's the tower I want you to miss. If you fly near that tower, it could ruin all your equipment, and you'll never have anv children."

Cessna: "Roger that. Turning now..."

Cessna: Orlando ground, Cessna Two Three Four, clear of the active.

Ground: Cessna Two Three Four, taxi to the ramp.

Cessna (still on ground frequency but thinking he'd switched to unicom 122.95): Executive Air...ah, this is Cessna Two Three Four...we're going to need some gas.

Ground: I've got plenty of gas, but I don't think it'll work very well in your airplane. Try Executive Air on 122.95.

Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."

Short silence, presumably while the Skylane pilot questioned passengers on the transmission.

Skylane: "Eight Seven Charlie, say again?"

Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."

Again, short silence.

Skylane: "Ah, cleared for the approach, but what do you mean by the waterfall caution?"

Tower: "Waterfall, you know: Ducks and geese...Waterfowl."

Cessna: "Buchanan tower, this is Cessna One Two Three, seven south of Buchanan, 2000 feet, request transit, northbound."
Tower: "Cessna One Two Three, transition approved. Report clear."
Half minute pause, and then: "Tower, this is Cessna One Two Three; where is Clear?"

Seminole: "New York approach, Seminole Two Two Eight, 5,000."

Approach: "Seminole Two Two Eight, Morristown altimeter 30.08. Proceed direct Solberg, maintain 5,000. Were you given any speed restrictions? If so, you can resume normal speed.

Seminole: "Direct Solberg, 5,000, Two Two Eight. And we're a Seminole. This is normal speed."

"I couldn't close my mouth long enough to ask if he was kidding."