At the Charlottetown (CYYG) airport last summer, while doing my run-up in my 172, an air Canada flight had just finished copping their clearance when they saw an osprey fly by with a large flounder in its talons. They contacted the tower:

Dash-8:
"Charlottetown Tower, Air Canada 123."

Charlottetown Tower:
"Go ahead."

Dash-8:
"There's an osprey that just flew overhead carrying a fish!"

Charlottetown Tower: (without missing a beat) :
"Have him contact the tower."

This kind of made my day in this very friendly maritime town.

Neil Angus
Montreal, Québec
Canada

I was on Salt Lake Center frequency at FL380 when ATC told us to do something odd:

Salt Lake Center:
"Piaggio 123 [this is not our call sign or flight number], turn right, heading 3-7-0; maintain FL 380."

Me:
"Umm, say again for Piaggio 123?"

Salt Lake Center:
"Piaggio 123, turn right heading 3-7-0, maintain FL380."

Me:
"Sir, my compasses generally stop at 3-6-0."

Salt Lake Center:
"Oh! I meant fly heading TWO seven zero. Sorry about the confusion."

Linda Becker
via e-mail

On a recent trip departing Oakland while taxiing over to 29 in my Eclipse Jet:

Ground Control:
What is your true airspeed at altitude?

Me:
370 knots.

Ground Control:
What kind of engines?

Me:
Pratt and Whitney 610 fan jet.

Ground Control:
How much thrust?

Me:
900 lbs. per side.

Ground Control:
[Silence.]

Me:
We're part of their hair dryer division.

John Wright
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

A pilot tried to fly non-stop from Utica, New York to Columbus, Ohio in a Warrior with 50-knot headwinds. This was from a May 16, 2002 preliminary NTSB report:

N12345:
"I'm, ah, out of fuel."

Tower:
"Roger, sir. Which airport do you want to try for?"

N12345:
"I set up a glide here. Ah — damn."

Tower:
"Three Four Five, just tell me which airport you want to go to, sir, and we'll, ah, start getting everything ready."

N12345:
"Can you vector me in?"

Tower:
"I can't, ah, vector — you want a vector for Rickenbacker?"

N12345:
"No — ah, I don't think I'm going to make either of them."

Tower:
"Yes, sir. Just state your intentions, and we'll go from there."

N12345:
"I should have picked up a little more fuel."

Anonymous
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

A few years back, when I only had my VFR ticket with only a few night flights under my belt, I was departing Austin, Texas for Lufkin on a perfectly clear, still night. When getting clearance, I asked the controller for flight following. She told me to talk to departure. It turned out that the same lady was working clearance delivery, ground, and departure — I was her only customer for all three.

Me:
"Departure: [I repeated departure instructions.] And could I get that flight following?"

Departure:
"Cessna Zero Three Quebec, readback correct. But darlin' — there's nobody out there except for you, me, and the owls."

Elena Campbell
Lufkin, Texas

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard at Augusta (Georgia) Regional Airport:

Bonanza:
"Bonanza Three Seven November, ready to taxi."

Ground:
"Taxi to runway 17. Contact tower, 118.7."

Bonanza:
"Uh, taxi to runway 17, and contact tower on, uh — 123.4?"

Ground:
"Contact tower on 118.7."

Bonanza:
"Contact tower on, uh, 7 17.8?"

Ground:
"No, but you're getting close."

Frank Dougherty
Chapin, South Carolina

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard on descent, about 100 miles north of Sacramento, California:

Cessna 12345:
"Oakland Center, Cessna Four Five Six. Am I still getting flight following? I was looking at my chart and might have missed a call."

Oakland Center:
"Cessna Four Five Six, you're still on my radar and receiving flight following."

Cessna 12345:
"Thank you, ma'am. I just hadn't had a call for a while."

Oakland Center:
"Flight following is like a marriage. The less I talk to you, the better off we are."

Norm Champ
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Perhaps someone should explain to this pilot the subtleties of requesting a pop-up clearance:

Skyhawk:
"Rochester departure, Skyhawk One Two Three. Request a pop-up clearance to Buffalo. We're IMC."

Ronald Burk
via e-mail

The following actually happened on April 24, 2009. (N12345 is a Piper Archer with headphones.)

Tower:
"All aircraft, ATIS information Victor is present."

N12345:
"WB Approach, 12345 is inbound with Victor, full stop."

N12345 Passenger:
"There are four people on board, and no one is named Victor. Where is Victor on this plane, or did you forget him?"

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I heard this blooper on Albuquerque Center frequency:

Airliner:
"Albuquerque, Big Bird One Two Three level at 280 and would like to continue climb."

Center:
"I show 280 as your requested altitude."

Airliner (without hesitation) :
"Me too. I'll have to ask my captain about that."

(The subject was dropped.)

Art Friedman
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

My airplane partner and I were on a short night hop from Lawrence, Massachusetts to Nashua, New Hampshire and had just switched to Nashua tower when we heard the following:

Mooney:
"We need to return and land."

Tower:
"What's the nature of your problem?"

Mooney:
"Every time my student touches the throttle, he gets electrocuted."

Unidentified Voice:
"That's a good training technique."

Spencer Webb Pelham
New Hampshire

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

One day, while going into Detroit, Michigan, I had this exchange with a controller. They had an intersection MIZAR for many vears and added RAZIM.

Me:
"I know where MIZAR came from. What's the origin of RAZIM?"

Controller:
"That's MIZAR spelled backwards."

Me:
"If I were lexdysic, I'd have known that."

[Silence.]

Me (to the first officer, not over the radio) :
"He didn't get it."

Controller:
"Contact the tower. Have a nice yad."

David Gwinn
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Skimming the tops at 6,000 feet, we heard this on New York approach:

Jet Set 123:
"Approach, if you give us 6,000, it'll put us right on top."

New York Approach:
"Jet Set One Twenty-Three, if I give you 6,000 it'll put you in the windshield of a Cessna."

Steven Corwin
via e-mail

From Naples [Florida] tower (KAPF):

Student Pilot Preparing for Departure to Miami:
"Tower — so, then, you want me to go east?"

Naples Tower:
"Well, that would be the easiest way to get to Miami — unless you want to go completely around the globe."

Paul Scott
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard over Oklahoma City approach frequency on a busy day:

Approach:
"American One Twenty-Three, descend pilot's discretion. Maintain 6,000."

American 123 [after a long pause] :
"Oak City, American One Twenty-Three. Did you call us?"

Approach:
"American One Twenty-Three, descend pilot's discretion. Maintain 6,000."

American 123:
"Say again."

Approach [getting a bit hot] :
"American One Twenty-Three: Descend — and maintain — 6,000. Pilot's discretion, co-pilot's discretion — it really doesn't matter to me!"

Geno Luther
Joshua, Texas

Some years ago, I was flying a red, white, and blue Decatalon out of Petaluma airport in northern California when I asked Oakland Center for some information:

Oakland Center:
"N12345 — are you flying a red, white, and blue airplane?"

Me:
"Don't tel me you now have colored radar!"

Oakland Center:
"Naw. I fly the Decatalon out of Petaluma, too."

Myron MacNeil
via e-mail

It happened a couple of years ago in France, at La Ferté-Allais (LFFQ) near Paris, a quite busy GA airport. A few planes were lined up for take-off behind a plane with a female student pilot and her instructor performing an apparently very long checklist. It had already taken 5 to 10 minutes, and the line was extending. (All dialogs below happened, of course, in French.)

TWR:
"F-ABCD, are you ready for departure?"

F-ABCD:
"Not yet, Fox Charlie Delta."

[Several minutes passed.]

Unidentified Voice (presumably an impatient pilot in the line) :
"Nails should be dry by now ... ."

TWR:
"Who said that?"

[Dead silence, but after another couple of minutes, Fox Charlie Delta finally called "Ready for departure."]

Armand Linkens
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

While on a Bay tour near San Francisco, a Cessna 172 pilot received an instruction from San Francisco tower to turn to a heading of 120 degrees for noise abatement.

Cessna:
"Noise abatement?"

ATC:
"Yeah. Did you ever hear the sound a Cessna makes when it hits a 747?"

Richard Bertoli
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

While on an Angel Flight into Baltimore, Maryland last fall, the following radio exchanges took place:

Us:
"Baltimore approach, Angel Flight is tuned into the localizer, but the needle is all over the place, and we're hearing jazz music."

Airliner in the Vicinity:
"Baltimore, we'd like to hear some jazz, too. We tuned the localizer but can't seem to receive any music."

Karim Houry
New York, NY

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

After several practice instrument approaches into Lakeland, Florida, I stopped and headed to the restaurant. Later, when ready to leave, I called ground control:

Me:
"Control, ready to taxi VFR to X39."

Ground (chuckling) :
"Cessna Three Four Five, it would be quicker if you flew, but if you would rather taxi, I-4 is just up the road. Cleared via taxiway Bravo to Alpha Three for departure."

Me (somewhat embarrassed) :
"Ah — ground, Cessna Three Four Five cleared by Bravo to Alpha Three. And I think we'll fly."

Rick Stapleton
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

We were flying from Chatham, Massachusetts to Nantucket with flight following from Cape approach. The weather was marginal VFR with heavy haze and reasonably poor visibility when, out of the mist, we heard this on the air:

Cape Approach:
"Cessna Four Five Six, are you aware that you are heading toward a restricted area?"

Cessna:
"No, I wasn't aware of a restricted area. What's in there?"

Cape Approach:
"It's some type of microwave installation."

Cessna:
"Yup, I see a tower ahead."

Cape Approach:
"That's the tower I want you to miss. If you fly near that tower, it could ruin all your equipment, and you'll never have any children."

Cessna:
"Roger that. Turning now ... ."

Although he never mentioned whether he was turning toward or away ... .

William H. Cummings
Chatham, Cape Cod

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

This comes from a search-and-rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base, Bagotville, Québec. It allegedly happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:

First Voice (helicopter pilot):
"Roger, I'm holding at 3,000 over the beacon."

Second Voice (panicky):
"No, you can't be doing that — I'm holding at 3,000 over that beacon!"

[Brief pause.]

First Voice (again):
"You idiot — you're my co-pilot."

Jerry Blalock
Carmichael, California

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Near Boca Raton, Florida, I heard an unknown airplane call, its transmission totally garbled.

Boca Raton Tower:
"Aircraft calling Boca Raton: Unreadable!"

Unknown Airplane:
[Again, totally garbled.]

Boca Raton Tower:
"Aircraft calling Boca Raton: Suggest trying another radio. You sound like Charlie Brown's teacher."

Don Tripp
Tequesta, Florida

Related many years ago by Diane Ritt, Assistant Airport Manager at Antrim County Airport:

Cherokee:
"Charlevoix Unicom, Charlevoix Unicom, this is Cherokee [Something] Xray. What are your winds and active?"

ATC:
"Cherokee [Something] Xray, the winds are out of the east at five, active runway is zero nine."

Cherokee:
"Charlevoix, I'm out here by the cement plant, and it looks like the winds are out of the northwest."

ATC:
"Cherokee [Something] Xray, are you landing at Charlevoix or landing at the cement plant?"

John L. Wagner
via e-mail

Overheard while en route to Hendersonville, NC:

Approach:
"Piper XXX, say destination."

Piper XXX:
"Destination:
T as in ... tail.
R as in ... roger.
I as in ... um ... inside."

Jeff Brooks
Flushing, MI

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I was with an instrument student in a P210 preparing to depart IFR from Leesburg, Virginia. The remote radio frequency wasn't operating, so instead we set up the frequency for the Ground Control Outlet and clicked the microphone to activate the autodial telephone patch to Dulles Approach for our clearance.

Dulles Approach (on radio via Ground Control Outlet):
"You have reached the Dulles air traffic control approach facility. No one is availahle at this time to answer your call. Please leave your name and number, and someone will call back as soon as possible."

What, they don't have caller ID?

Richard S. Kaplan
Uniontown, Pennsylvania

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard on Baltimore approach frequency:

Approach:
"Cessna 1234B, what code are you squawking?"

Cessna:
"We're squawking [CODE]. Is everything O.K.?"

Approach:
"Cessna 34B, you're inside Class B air space, you don't have a clearance to enter Class B, and you're squawking the wrong code. Other than that, everything is just fine."

Alexei Tsekoun
Princeton, New Jersey

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Over Southern California, United 202 requested direct to Winslow, Arizona from Southern California. Instead, Center gave him this:

Center:
"United 202, I've cleared direct St. Louis."

United 202:
"Direct St. Louis. Thanks."

United 18 (foreseeing good fortune):
"Center, United 18. Request direct — uh — er — anywhere."

Center:
"United 18, expect further clearance in 40 miles to direct Ah Anywhere."

Harry W. Lerch
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Going from Virginia to Houston, Texas, I was diverting north of Memphis, Tennessee to get around a big storm front which was moving across the country. I planned a fuel stop at Jackson, Tennessee (MKL) and was on the back side of the front with just light rain ahead of me. As always, I tried to call with a DTN screen in front of me for the big picture. This occurred on the phone during a weather briefing with FSS:

Me:
"N12345, IFR flight plan: MKL, PBF, direct HOU. (West, then southwest.)"

Briefer:
"O.K. Lots of weather. Big storms ahead of you."

Me:
"Well, I'm looking at the DTN screen, and the radar shows those storms to be behind me with just light rain and then improving weather."

Briefer:
"Hmmm — you're right; storms behind you."

I was thinking, "Oh, boy, just what I need — a dyslexic weather briefer."

The rest of the trip went well ... .

Ed Hendee
Houston, Texas

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Missed the beginning of this exchange, but you'll get the point, I hope:

Airplane 345:
"We carry the University of XYZ men's basketball team."

Center:
"Ah, roger. I was just wondering about your call sign ... ."

345:
"We don't like it any better than anyone else."

Center (laughing) :
"Do [your players] wear pink uniforms?"

345:
"Don't go there, Center."

Center (resuming a serious tone) :
"Roger."

[pause]

"Twinkles Three Forty Five, fly heading 230, descend and maintain 4,000."

Don Copley
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard on a busy Friday afternoon with Seattle Center/Approach:

Center (handing off to Approach):
"Cross JAXON at 8,000 and reduce speed to 250."

Airliner 123 (checking in):
"Approach, will we have to slow to 250 knots at JAXON?"

Center:
"Airliner 123, I wish I could say no, but approach insists that they need it for spacing."

Airliner 123:
"How's the ride at 8,000 feet?"

Center:
"No complaints so far, except for controller ability."

Dave Chuljian
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard this somewhere over Kansas:

Center:
"Airline 312, traffic. Eleven o'clock, three miles, FL 310 Citation, westbound."

Airline 312:
"We got `em on the pig finder."

N700AN:
"Kansas City Center, Cheyenne Zero Alpha November. Request."

Center:
"Go ahead."

N700AN:
"Was that a 'Papa-India-Golf finder'?"

ATC:
"It's a TCAS."

Anonymous Voice:
"That's called a 'Foxtrot-India-Sierra-Hotel finder.'"

Airline 312:
"Yeah, but we're over Kansas."

Lance S. Ferguson, M.D.
Lexington, Kentucky

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Some years ago at Des Moines, Iowa, I was holding in the run-up area when I heard the tower call an airliner:

Tower:
"Airliner 1234, cleared for takeoff. Runway 30 right."

Airliner:
"Tower, we're still waiting for our numbers."

Tower:
"Roger, Airliner 1234. Cancel departure clearance; hold short of the runway."

Airliner:
"Airliner 1234, holding short."/p>

Several seconds later, the pilot's voice came over the frequency, sounding both apologetic and put out:

Airliner Captain:
"Ladies and gentlemen, we're experiencing an air traffic control delay, but we should be on our way shortly, as soon as the tower releases us."

[pause]

Tower:
"Nice speech, Captain, but ATC is not delaying you. Suggest you misinform the passengers on the PA, not my frequency."

Ralph Lund
Mal Paso Creek, California

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard near the Tennessee/Alabama border:

Memphis:
"Heavy Iron 123, reduce speed to 210."

[no response]

Memphis:
"Heavy Iron 123, reduce speed to 210."

[no response]

Memphis:
"Heavy Iron 123, reduce speed to 210, now. You're about to knock the rudder off that traffic in front of you. Or, if you'd rather you can have a tour of the state of Alabama ... ."

Heavy Iron 123:
"Reducing to 210."

John Austin
Memphis, Tennessee

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard on the Detroit approach frequency while flying just north of Detroit City Airport one Sunday evening:

Approach:
"Airliner XXXX, turn left heading 350. Direct Flint when able."

Airliner XXXX:
"Left three-fifty, direct Flint."

Approach:
"Airliner YYYY, proceed direct Salem when able."

Airliner YYYY:
"Direct Salem."

Airliner XXXX:
"Airliner YYYY — hey, Dave, is that vou? How's it going?"

Airliner YYYY:
"Yeah. That you, Bud? Just fine ..." (and other pleasantries)

Approach:
"How about I go and work another frequency and let you guys chat?"

Airliner XXXX:
"That'll work."

Andrew C. Taylor
Ann Arbor, Michigan

While I was on short final into KFHU (Fort Huachuca, Sierra Vista Arizona):

Shadow-1:
"Shadow-1 at runway 26, ready to take off."

Tower:
"Shadow-1, hold short for landing traffic."

I then looked over at the holding aircraft and noticed that it was a Military UAV, an Unmanned Aerial Vehicle. This being the first one I'd ever seen, I struggled between landing my plane and looking at the UAV. Landing the plane finally caught my attention.

After landing, while on rollout, I overheard:

NXXXXX:
"Tower, was that an unmanned airplane I just passed?"

Tower:
"NXXXXX: Yes, it was."

Shadow-1:
"There is actually a man sitting somewhere ... ."

Mark Harris
Flagstaff, AZ

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard at Gainesville, Florida Airport:

Cessna:
"Gainesville Tower, Cessna XXXXX, seven west with Tango."

Tower:
"Cessna XXXXX, cleared to land, Runway Six."

Cessna:
"We'd prefer Runway One Zero. We have some passengers to drop off at the terminal."

Tower:
"Cessna XXXXX, you can't do that. You have to use the general aviation FBO."

Cessna:
"We called ahead, and they said we could drop them off as long as we stayed clear of the gate."

Tower:
"I don't know who told you that, but I'll ask the airport manager."

Later ...

Tower:
"Cessna XXXXX. I'm sorry, but you can't taxi to the terminal. However, if you'd like, I can clear you for a low approach, and your passengers can jump out as vou fly by."

Cessna (laughing):
"How about I just use Runway Six?"

Peter Schoaff
via e-mail

On Friday, October 10, Qantas's first Airbus A380 visited Auckland, marking the first visit of the type to New Zealand. It did a press junket promotional flight across the city and environs, filmed by a news helicopter, ZK-HST. This was heard on Auckland control 124.3:

ZK-HST:
"Auckland Control, Hotel Sierra Tango. We've filmed the takeoff, and we'd like to track to the city to film the flyover."

Auckland Control:
"Hotel Sierra Tango, do you have the A380 visual?"

ZK-HST:
"Affirm, Boeing in sight!"

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

A few years ago I flew a T-34 into Orlando Executive. Our flight leader called tower 15 miles out:

Flight Leader:
"... flight of 19 warbirds for the initial, overhead for landing."

Tower:
"All civilian aircraft stay out of the area 'til further instructed."

Confusion reigned.

Peter Horvat
New Milford, New Jersey

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Flying into New Orleans Lakefront, and approach had switched us over to tower. One controller worked both ground and tower frequencies. There was minimal radio chatter with other aircraft but what was there was worth hearing:

Tower:
"Cessna XXX, for future reference, the one with the yellow line down the center is a taxiway, and the one with the white line is a runway."

Tim Morrison
Houston, Texas

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

While cruising at flight level, we heard the following between an American Airlines airliner and Miami Center:

Airliner:
"Center, American XXXX looking for higher."

Miami Center (female voice):
"Didn't hear you check in."

Airliner:
"First time I've heard your voice. I must've forgotten."

Miami Center
"That happens when you're over twenty-six or -seven."

Airliner:
"I hope you're talking thousands of feet."

Center:
"No. Age.

"Sorry."

Jarred Whitfield
Des Moines, Iowa

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Corporate Jet Captain:
"San Jose Clearance Delivery, clearance on request for [airport name deleted to protect the guilty]."

San Jose Clearance:
"Didn't I just give you that clearance?"

[pause]

Corporate Jet Captain:
"My first officer is nodding yes. Sorry about that, but otherwise our airborne cockpit resource management is outstanding."

Michael R. Gallagher
Sacramento, California

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Into Tampa, Florida at night, I overheard the controller misspeak to the airliner ahead of me in the line-up for landing:

Tower:
"Airline 123, you're number three of two — wait, that's number two of three. Sorry."

Airliner:
"That's okay, five out of three pilots have dyslexia, anvway."

Travis Eddleman
via mail-e

Overheard on a scanner recently at St. John's International Airport (CYYT):

An inbound commercial flight was getting the bad news from the tower that conditions for the active runway were 200 feet and 1/4 mile in heavy fog. Controller and aircraft discussed alternatives for a few minutes before the pilot, knowing his passengers were going to be disappointed by a diversion, asked the tower wistfully:

Commercial Pilot:
"Any chance it'll change soon?"

Tower (after a brief pause):
"Yeah, maybe August."

Commercial Pilot:
"I don't think we've got that much reserve fuel."

Gary Hebbard
via e-mail

Here's a story from above the Polar Circle:

I am involved in a voluntary home defense pilot group in the northern part of Sweden. We only fly Cessnas and Pipers on a regular basis, and our pilots are mainly bush pilots, not accustomed to using the radio often. During a training weekend at a controlled airport, we had a landing session, with five or six aircraft in the circuit, and the guy in the tower has a busy time keeping us all sorted out. We then heard the following exchange over the radio:

Tower:
"Sierra Echo XXX, state your position."

SE XXX:
"Aeum ... I'm behind the one in front of me!"

Olle Persson
via e-mail

An exchange overheard while flying over the Mojave Desert:

Joshua Approach:
"Bonanza 50Y, traffic two o'clock, five miles. Unmanned aerial vehicle has you in sight."

50Y (me):
"50Y looking. If he's 'unmanned,' how can he have me in sight?"

Joshua Approach:
"Oh. He's got a T-38 spotter plane, so really it's a flight of two ... . Now you're three o'clock, three miles."

50Y:
Yeah, I was kidding. I know they have cameras and instrumentation. But I still don't have them in sight."

Joshua Approach:
"They're passing behind you now. No factor. And we usually reserve the 'I can't see him' jokes for the F-117s that come through here."

Marc Zorn
via e-mail

Listening to Oshkosh Tower transmissions on LiveATC.net last week, I overheard a controller tell an approaching seaplane:

Oshkosh Controller:
"Amphib landing runway 36, the runway is dry; check for wheels down."

Don Aldridge
via e-mail

Several "Short Final" stopped by the AVweb and press trailer during AirVenture to share their favorite radio funnies with us — but, alas, our memories can be a little fuzzy sometimes, so if you're one of those folks, please drop us a note and remind us what made us laugh at the show!

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Palm Beach, Florida approach was busy, as usual. My experience is that they're always 100% business and 0% humor. They must have had a new controller at the mic:

Approach:
"Mooney Three Four November, squawk VFR; frequency change approved."

Mooney 34N:
"Approach, uh, roger — and I want to report that your radio has a high pitched whine."

Approach (sarcastically):
"That's because it's scared."

Unknown Third-Party Pilot:
"Hell, we're all scared!"

Tom Tripp
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Thunderstorms moved across the Cleveland area, and approach control tried to get one more airplane in:

Cleveland Approach:
"Northwest Twelve Thirty-Four, if you can descend to 3000, I'll vector you for a straight-in ILS 28."

Northwest 1234 (no doubt sensing a last-chance opportunity to beat the storm) :
"We're outta one zero thousand for three like a sack of hammers."

Ted Patterson
Marango, Illinois

While on tower freq for VGT (North Las Vegas), I overheard the following:

Cessna 1234N:
"Tower, this is Cessna 1234N, 10 miles northwest with yankee, inbound full stop."

Tower:
"Cessna 1234N, tower. Continue inbound. Report 4-mile final for runway 12 right."

Cessna 1234N:
"Tower, Cessna 1234N reporting 4-mile final."

Tower:
"Cessna 1234N cleared for landing. Runway 12 right. Say type, Cessna."

Cessna 1234N:
"Tower, 1234N is a Cessna 152 Heavy!"

Tower:
"Cessna 1234N, roger!"

(And before the mike keyed off, there was substantial chuckling in the background.)

J. Brandon
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard in Southern Florida:

Fort Myers Approach:
"Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading."

Cessna:
"Ah, we're headin' for Tampa."

Fort Myers Approach:
"Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading."

Cessna:
"Well, okay. We're headin' for the LaBelle VOR first and then going on to Tampa."

Fort Myers Approach:
"Cessna Three Four Alpha, could you look at your compass and tell me what number is behind the little line?"

Cessna:
"Oh — you want to know which way we're going right now. Three five zero, sir."

Jerry Zezas
Marathon, Florida

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I was departing Terre Haute, Indiana. The ATIS said clear below 12,000, but I could see a scattered layer of clouds to the south with tops around 4,500 feet. After tower switched me to departure, there was this exchange:

Cessna 123 (me):
"Approach, Cessna 123. Request VFR-on-top 5,500."

Controller (sarcastically):
"Cessna 123, it's called 'clear.'"

Cessna 123 (me):
"Then I'd like to report strange puffy white things with tops around 4,500, 12 o'clock, 10 miles."

The controller must not have understood that VFR-on-Top does not require clouds.

John Rudolph
Evansville, Indiana

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I heard someone call Jacksonville Center "Jacksonville approach." When corrected, the pilot apologized.

Controller:
"I've been called worse."

Pilot:
"You must be married."

No telling if the controller was or not ... .

Frank Long
Tampa, Florida

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

En route from North Platte, Nebraska to Cedar Rapids, Iowa I overheard the following:

Cessna:
"Minneapolis Center, Cessna 12345, request flight following to Omaha."

Center:
"Cessna 12345, Minneapolis Center. Say position."

Cessna:
"I'm almost on the Kansas border."

Center:
"That's a fairly wide state. Can you narrow it down for me?"

Keith Reed Marion
Iowa

This is an exchange that happened ... on a trip from Las Vegas (Henderson) to Oklahoma City (Sundance Air Park). We were level at 15,000 and just handed off from Las Vegas TRACON to LA Center. We had been at 15,000 for a few minutes and were definitely hungry to get to our final altitude of FL270. The busy airspace due to a NASCAR race complicated matters for everyone.

Starship XXXX (me):
"LA Center, good afternoon, Starship XXXX level at one five thousand, direct cowboy, looking for higher."

ZLA:
"Starship XXXX, LA Center. Maintain one five thousand MD-80 traffic in your six o'clock position in a very slow climb. I need to keep you at one five thousand until clear of traffic."

Starship XXXX:
"LA Center, Starship XXXX, maintain one five thousand.

[pause]

"LA Center, Starship XXXX, no contact with traffic."

ZLA (without missing a beat):
"That's the idea."

Christopher Dean
via e-mail

Heard on SoCal Approach:

Approach:
"Cessna 1234A, you have traffic at 12 o'clock, six miles at your altitude."

[no response]

Approach:
"Cessna 1234A, you have traffic at 12 o'clock, four miles at your altitude."

[no response]

Approach:
"Cessna 1234A, you have traffic at 12 o'clock, two miles at your altitude."

Cessna1234A:
"I'm looking for the traffic ... !"

Approach:
"Sir, I cannot see you nod your head; you must respond to my tranmissions.

Jim Mallen
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard on Denver approach frequency:

Approach:
"Great Lakes One Twenty Three, traffic six o'clock, two miles, 1000 feet above you, a 737."

Great Lakes:
"Approach, Great Lakes One Twenty Three, if I told you I could see him, I'd be lying."

Approach:
"If you told me you could see him, you'd be my mother — 'cause you'd have eyes in the back of your head."

David J. Livingston
Colorado Springs, Colorado

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

While on a trip in a Grumman Cheetah from Marathon, Florida Keys to Exuma in the Bahamas, I ran into a large area of clouds hanging over Andros Island. They'd been classified as benign when I'd received my weather briefing about an hour and a half earlier. I penetrated with a warning from Miami Center:

Miami Center:
"Grumman XXXXX, I show a large area of weather ahead of you. How would you like to proceed?"

Grumman:
"My Stormscope shows it's not active. I'll continue on course."

[a few minutes later]

Miami Center:
"Grumman XXXXX, say flight conditions."

Grumman:
"It's a little bumpy, but other than that it's fine."

[a few minutes later, after it suddenly turned active]

Grumman:
"Miami Center, Grumman XXXXX, experiencing ... severe ... turbulence. Request ... lower."

[I went up and down at about 2000 feet per minute. The Stormscope lit up all around us. We were tossed on our side.]

Miami Center:
"Grumman XXXXX, unable lower at this time. I'll have to call Nassau to get lower."

I righted the airplane. Everything flew around the cockpit. I saw a hole and aimed for it.

[a few minutes later]

Grumman:
"Miami Center, Grumman XXXXX, we're out of the weather now. Sorry about the deviation, but I could not hold altitude or course."

Miami Center:
"Not a problem, I understand."

A passing airliner overheard this ...

Airliner:
"Miami, Airliner XXXX, that guy that penetrated the weather over Andros — what kind of airplane did he say he was flying?"

Miami Center:
"A Grumman."

Airliner:
"Like a big Grumman?"

Miami Center:
"No, like a little Grumman Cheetah.

Airliner:
"A Cheetah? Wow, he's got a lot of balls."

Miami Center:
Airliner XXXX, I'm sorry, sir, you broke up. Say again?

Airliner:
"I said, he's got a lot of balls."

Miami Center:
"Airliner XXXX, I'm sorry, sir, you are coming in broken up again. I believe you said (ahem) that he was a very brave man?"

Bob Brayman Marathon
Florida Keys

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

While flying practice approaches at Sioux City, Iowa I heard:

Tower:
"Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."

[a short silence, presumably while the Skylane pilot questioned passengers on the transmission]

Skylane:
"Eight Seven Charlie, say again?"

Tower:
"Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."

[again, a short silence]

Skylane:
"Ah, cleared for the approach — but what do you mean by the waterfall caution?"

Tower:
"Waterfall. You know, ducks and geese — water fowl."

Larry Gerek
Omaha, Nebraska

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard on 121.5 on December 1, 2001 in the Frederick/Hagerstown, Maryland area (near Camp David or P40):

Pilot:
"Air Force on 121.5, Cherokee One Two Three."

Air Force (my guess is this was the AWACS controller):
"Go ahead."

Pilot:
"There are some F-15s near me. They do not answer my calls."

Air Force:
"F-15s do not have VHF capability; F-16s do."

[pause]

"Where are you?"

Pilot:
Near Hagerstown; I am doing some photo work.

Air Force:
"You are probably violating expanded P40 and they are escorting you out."

Herbert Rosenthal
Bethesda, Maryland

On a Qantas flight from Adelaide to Perth last week, our lovely senior air steward announced the following after the doors closed:

Over the Speaker:
"Ladies and gentleman, please turn off all electronic devices such as laptops, mobile phones, washing machines and hairdryers. However, if they have a flight mode, please switch now."

It made me smile; must be hard to repeat the same thing every flight.

D. Dann
via e-mail

Today, the weather in Southern Wisconsin was dicey. Severe thunderstorms with hail, high winds, and tornados on the ground 20 miles north of the Madison, Wisconsin Dane County Regional airport.

A female voice in a Learjet 45 comes over to Madison approach from Chicago Center and says:
"Madison approach, Lear 12345 is with you out of 10,000 planning on landing Madison to pick up fuel. We've been chased all over the place with this weather."

After vectoring her to the 18 ILS, the controller says:
"Airport 11 o'clock, 10 miles; do you have it?"

She says:
"Yes, we have the runway in sight."

Controller says:
"Then I suggest that you take over visually and 'save yourself.' Tower now on 119.3."

With a halting voice she replies:
"I've never heard it put quite that way before. That's pretty blunt. Going over to the tower now."

Robert Wuilleumier
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I was en route to a New England airport famous for its fog. The ATIS reported below minimums but gradual ix, improving. Approach said to expect the ILS, and I could hear one aircraft ahead, a local airliner. Approach cleared me for the approach and sent the other aircraft to tower.

Me:
"Did the aircraft ahead get in?"

Approach:
"Well, he didn't fly the missed. Contact tower."

Me:
"Tower, at what altitude did the previous plane break out?"

[pause]

Tower:
"I didn't ask."

Me (after landing a little proudly):
"Tower, be advised that we broke out just above minimums."

Tower:
"Everybody does."

John Ward
via e-mail

We were a flight of three consisting of two Cessna 180s and one Maule headed into the Lake Parker holding pattern [for Sun 'n Fun 2008]. We had dropped to extended trail and began circling the lake following a Glastar, and we had two twins holding above us as well. After about 20 minutes of circling and waiting for the field to re-open after the airshow, we were joined in the hold by a new Cirrus pilot.

Controller:
"Tailwheels, nice job keeping the seperation. Keep the pattern a little closer to the shoreline on the west side of the lake. The field should open in the next 10 to 15 minutes. Cirrus, enter the hold behind the red-and-black high wing."

Cirrus:
"Control, we have a rental car waiting for us, and if we don't get down there in time they may give it away. Could we get priority consideration as soon as the field opens?"

Maule:
"Control, we have cold beer waiting for us in the campground, and if we don't get down there in time, it may get warm. Could we get priority consideration as soon as the field opens?"

Controller (laughing):
"All aircraft continue in the hold for now. We will advise when the field re-opens and release the aircraft as they arrived."

Chris Davis
via e-mail during Sun 'n Fun

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard on the scanner over Adelaide, South Australia:

Airliner (I think it was a Qantas, but I didn't hear the start of the transmission):
"We won't need to divert into Adelaide now. The passenger is feeling much better now that he has been moved to business class."

Controller:
"Amazing what recuperative powers business class has."

Leigh P. Bunting
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I was doing practice approaches when I heard approach control contact another aircraft on a similar mission:

Controller:
"N1234, what are your intentions after this approach?"

N1234:
"I'll be missed approach, and I'd like vectors to the ILS 36."

Controller:
"Missed approach instructions: Climb to 2800 and direct to the VOR."

[... sometime later ...]

N1234:
"Approach, N1234 is missed approach direct to the VOR. Request vectors for the ILS 36."

Control:
"Turn right to 1-1-0 degrees, vector for the ILS. Maintain 2800 feet. I'm showing you at 3400 feet."

N1234:
"Descending to 2800. I'm sorry. I'm having a discussion with the auto-pilot as to which of us is actually pilot-in-command."

John Steiner
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Departing Oakland for Redding, California, NorCal Departure handed me off to Oakland Center. I changed frequencies but attended to some other issues and couldn't remember if I'd checked in:

Me:
"Oakland Center, Skyhawk XXXXX, six thousand. I can't remember if we actually checked in or if I just thought about it."

Oakland Center:
"XXXXX, roger. No, you didn't check in — but it's the thought that counts."

Walt Odets
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

We've heard different variations on this tale through the years, but here's one that can't be beat, if only for sheer enthusiasm:

I tried to pass on this little tale many years ago without success, and since I never saw a response, I will try one more time, just for my old Yankee mate, Ken Sunderland:

An Aussie grazier flew his antique Auster aircraft to Mascot airport, Sydney, some time back to enact some business at the offices of business acquaintances. Not being familiar with controlled airspace procedures (although making it safely to the airport), he required and requested guidance to the GA parking area. Much later, after the completion of his business and returning to the airport, he eventually taxied out to the major runway 16, again guided by ATC to take his place in the queue for take-off clearance.

When finally cleared to line up and subsequently cleared for take-off, his instructions were to call "123 airborne" (the departure frequency). Applying maximum power and concentrating on keeping his aircraft on the centerline on the roll, the tail rose, and soon after that, the aircraft became airborne — whereupon the pilot pressed his transmit button and called:

"1! 2! 3! ... Airborne!"

Geoff Litchfield
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I'm a CFI who was flying into Vero Beach, Fla., and it's widely known that one of the tower controllers often flies to work. The winds were favoring the single runway, so the parallel runways were not in use, and the tower was busier than usual. While flying the pattern with a student, I heard the following:

Cessna:
"Vero Beach Tower, Cessna XXXX inbound for landing, full stop."

Tower (with what sounded like a straight face, though it couldn't have been):
"Cessna XXXX, remain clear class Delta, expect one hour delay." [We weren't that busy, so I was shocked.]

Cessna:
"Um, but I'm your replacement!"

Tower (now laughing):
"Oh! Cessna XXXX, report left base, runway 4!"

Overheard at Santa Barbara, California. (I wasn't paying attention at the beginning of this call, so I don't know the type of aircraft.)

Aircraft:
"Santa Barbara Clearance, N***** at FBO, requesting clearance to —"

[pause]

Aircraft:
"Oh, hell."

Clearance (deadpan and without hesitation):
"I can't send you there ... ."

Jo Duffy
via e-mail

Today's "Short Final" breaks with tradition a bit by not being heard over the radio — but we couldn't pass up the opportunity to share this tale:

"I was coming back from Tampa in the early evening heading for Craig in my 182. Over Gainesville I came around a large cloud and came face to face with a UFO.

"Black, octagon-shaped with spikes, clearly not of terrestrial origin. I turned toward it. Heart racing, sweating like a pig, I could barely hold her steady. I don't believe in UFOss but there it was. About a mile out, it turns, and I can see the word Goodyear on it's side.

"What I saw in the fading light was the Blimp on end.

"But for a brief moment, I was making history.

"Things are often not what they seem."

Dr. James L. Jones
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I was on the ILS into Oakland, California one busy dav and was cleared to land behind two other aircraft that were in the pattern. The pilot of the aircraft ahead of me was clearly flustered:

Piper:
"Tower, is Piper One Two Three cleared to land?"

Tower:
"Piper One Two Three, yes, you're cleared to land. Runway 27 Right, number two behind a Cessna just passing over the numbers."

Piper:
"Okay, Piper One Two Three cleared to land behind the Cessna."

[pause]

Piper:
"I don't see him."

[pause]

Piper:
"Tower, is Piper One Two Three number one to land on 27 Right?"

Tower:
"Piper One Two Three, you are soooo number one."

John Ewing
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

We were in our Seneca performing the pre-takeoff run-up at Orlando, Florida when we heard this exchange on ground control frequency:

Cessna:
"Orlando Ground, Ccssna Two Three Four, clear of the active."

Ground Control:
"Cessna Two Three Four, taxi to the ramp."

Cessna [still on ground frequency but thinking he'd switched to unicom 122.95] :
"Executive Air, ah, this is Cessna Two Three Four — we're going to need some gas."

Ground Control:
"I've got plenty of gas, but I don't think it'll work very well in your airplane. Try Executive Air on 122.95."

Gary Sage
Grand Rapids, Michigan

Overheard on a recent trip from Cross City to DeLand (Fla.), with flight following provided by Orlando Approach:

Orlando Approach:
"Cardinal 12345, destination is 12 o'clock 10 miles. Advise you have destination in sight."

Cardinal 345:
"Approach, 345 has destination in sight."

Orlando Approach:
"Cardinal 345, Squawk VFR, frequency change approved, no traffic observed between you and your present position."

Cardinal (pilot to co-pilot):
"I think that's good!"

Dee Ann Ediger
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

The following exchange took place en route to the opening day at Sun 'n Fun one April:

Me:
"Jacksonville Center, Bonanza Four Seven Two Zero Yankee. 11,000."

Center:
"Bonanza Four Seven Two Zero Yankee, roger. Jacksonville altimeter 30.12."

Me:
"Are you working a lot of traffic to Lakeland this afternoon?"

Center:
"I'll tell you what: If you fell out of your airplane right now, you'd never hit the ground."

Robert J. Miller
Tonawanda, New York

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

En route from San Antonio, Texas to Kerb Wille, I let my 19-year-old private pilot daughter run the radios:

daughter:
"Center, Piper Five Six Six Seven Romeo."

Center:
"Piper Six Seven Romeo, go ahead."

daughter:
"Request flight following."

Center:
"Piper Six Seven Romeo, state vour location, altitude, and destination."

[long pause]

daughter:
"Uh, San Antonio."

[another pause]

Center:
"Piper Six Seven Romeo, when you figure out where you are and where you want to go, give us a call back."

James Crawford
via e-mail

Heard a few years ago whilst flying a 747 from LAX to LHR:

Salt Lake Center:
"Airline 123, you bound for Vegas?"

Airline 123:
"Yup."

Salt Lake Center:
"You a [DC-]10?"

Airline 123:
"Yup."

Salt Lake Center:
"Well, I guess your passengers need a 10 to take home their winnings?"

Airline 123:
"Nope! Our passengers can take home their winnings in a Cessna 152."

Alan Murgatroyd
via e-mail

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Many years ago, in Calgary:

Snooty voice:
"Ah, tower, Air Canada Two Oh Four. This will be a fully automatic landing if you'd care to observe."

Imitative voice:
"Ah, tower, this is Canadian Six Seventy Five [rival]. This will be a fully manual landing, if you'd care to observe."

John Warner

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Returning to Princeton, New Jersey in a Seminole, I was proudly clipping along at 140 knots and can only assume that my deep voice and professional-sounding tone led to us appearing to be more than we were:

Me:
"New York approach, Seminole Two Two Eight, 5000."

Approach:
"Seminole Two Two Eight, Morristown altimeter 30.08. Proceed direct Solberg, maintain 5000. Were you given any speed restrictions? If so, you can resume normal speed."

Me:
"Direct Solberg, 5000, Two Two Eight. And we're a Seminole. This is normal speed."

Karl Siil
Princeton, New Jersey

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard at Lawrence, Massachusetts:

Tower:
"Arrow Eight Two Xray, slowest possible speed. Traffic ahead is an ultralight on a half-mile final."

Ultralight:
"Tower, we'll climb out so he can land."

Tower:
"Roger, climb and maintain 1700, runway heading. Arrow Eight Two Xray, cleared to land, caution, mowing in progress, right side of runway."

Arrow:
"Roger, duck under the lawn mower ahead and avoid the one on the ground. Cleared to land, Arrow Eight Two Xray."

Angelo Iannuzzo Nashua
New Hampshire

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Returning to Republic Airport in Farmingdale, New York on New Year's Day, I heard the following exchange on the air between the tower controller and the pilot of a Piper Arrow:

Arrow:
"Republic tower, Arrow One Two Three Four Five, eight miles north, inbound with India."

Tower:
"Arrow Three Four Five, report right downwind runway 32."

Arrow:
"Any chance we can get a straight in?"

Tower:
"You said you were north, didn't you?"

Arrow:
"Yes, seven miles north."

Tower:
"Arrow Three Four Five, the only way I can give you a straight in for Runway 32 is if you turn north and continue for about 24,000 miles."

[pause]

Arrow:
"Uh, okay. Sorry. Happy New Year ... ."

Daniel A. Torres
Baldwin, New York

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard in the vicinity of Buchanan Tower in Concord, California:

Cessna 123:
"Buchanan Tower, this is Cessna One Two Three, seven south of Buchanan, 2000 feet, request transit, northbound."

Buchanan Tower:
"Cessna One Two Three, transition approved. Report clear."

[30-second pause]

Cessna 123:
"Tower, this is Cessna One Two Three. Where is Clear?"

Saul Chaikin

Romance in the air is alive and well. While on a CAP flight I heard the following over departure control:

Control:
Bonanza 123, squawk 4567.

A short while later ...

Control:
Bonanza 123, do you have a passenger named [woman's first name] aboard?

Bonanza 123:
Affirmative.

Control:
Can you put her on? We are holding an important message for her.

Bonanza 123:
Stand by.

[pause]

Bonanza 123 (woman's voice):
This is [woman's name].

Control:
We have been asked to relay a message to you from [man's name] in [aircraft number]. Are you ready to copy?

[pause]

Bonanza 123 (woman's voice):
Yes.

Control:
[Man's name] sends the following message: "Will you marry me?"

Bonanza 123:
[garbled transmission]

Control:
We didn't get that. What is your answer?

Bonanza 123 (woman's voice):
I would be honored.

Control:
Bonanza 123, we copy and will relay.

[pause]

Cap Flight 2237:
Cap Flight 2237 offers best wishes to the bride.

Delta 0000:
Delta 0000 offers best wishes to the bride.

Control:
Bonanza 123, Cap Flight 2237 and Delta 0000 send best wishes to the bride.

Bonanza 123 (woman's voice again): Thank you.

CAP Flight 2237:
Nice to know romance on the airways is alive and well. Over 3,000 hours up here, and I never heard anything like that.

Control:
Me either. We have never played cupid before.

Tom Simmons

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

With my CFII Jim in the right seat, we were on vectors to Allentown Airport for practice instrument approaches. En route, we heard the approach controller making the following call to another pilot in the area.

Approach:
Cessna One Three Four, two o'clock, same altitude, have you spotted it?

Cessna 134:
No, I'm under the hood.

Ed Dolezal
Bridgewater, New Jersey

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

During a recent departure from Essex County Airport in Caldwell, New Jersey, the tower controller must have been frazzled with intensive student training in the pattern:

Tower:
Bonanza Seven Zero Mike Romeo, contact New York departure and have a good flight.

Bonanza:
To departure. Bonanza Zero Mike Romeo.

Have a nice day.

Tower:
It's too late for that.

Jack Meagher
Southern Shores, North Carolina

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Returning home from the West Coast a few years ago, we landed in Flint, Mich. The Midwest had had weeks of rain and overcast skies that summer, and I got this on departure:

"Bonanza Five Four Seven Zero Victor, when you get on top, would you look out to the southeast and tell me if you see a big bright light?"

Don Sanderson
Bear Creek, Pennsylvania

When I was learning to fly in 1967 in Merced, Calif., we had no control tower. We were taught that after engine start-up, we should pretend to call the tower for taxi clearance.

Another pilot trainee started his engine, then immediately started to taxi. The instructor stopped him and advised that he had forgotten to call for clearance.

The trainee thought for a second, opened the pilot air vent, and, over the roar of the engine, yelled, "Clear!"

I do believe I tried to pass on this little edict many years ago without success, and since I never saw a response, I will try one more time, just for my old Yankee mate, Ken Sunderland:

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

The American League Championship series between Cleveland and Boston began on a Friday night. Early the next morning, after an IFR handoff to Boston Center, the pilot of a Boston-bound aircraft posed the all-important question:

Piper 123:
Sox win last night?

Boston Center:
Yeah!

Piper 123:
That's too bad.

[thoughtful pause]

Piper 123:
You're not going to make us hold now, are you?

Boston Center:
Probably not — but just remember, I'm not paying for the gas!

August 30, 2007

Piper Arrow pilot was on a 1/4-mile final, making a late-night emergency landing at MSP due to a faulty nosegear indicator, with fire trucks and emergency vehicles lining both sides of the runway.

Overheard:
Wow, not even [U.S. President] Bush gets this kind of treatment when he lands!

(The nose wheel held up O.K.)

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

We were just being handed off after leaving Ft. Lauderdale (FXE) to N. Eleuthra (MYEH).

Me:
Miami Center, Chieftan 867CJ leaving 2,000 for 7,500.

Miami (approach):
Chieftan 7CJ, you can fly direct if you stop calling me "center."

Me:
Roger that ... approach.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Piper 123: “They keep extending my route. If they keep extending my route I’m going to be low on fuel. Why can’t I go direct?”

Potomac Approach:: “Piper One Two Three, unable direct. Direc twill take you over P-40. Proceed direct Hagerstown, Victor 501, Martinsburg, then as previously cleared.”

Piper 123: “But if they didn’t keep extending me I wouldn’t get low on fuel.”

Approach:: “Piper One Two Three, if you feel you are low on fuel I advise you to stop somewhere and get fuel.”

After two more exchanges:

Approach:: “Piper One Two Three, I’m not doing this to you. You cannot fly over P-40. Are you familiar with P-40? It’s Camp David.”

Piper 123: “I know about Camp David, but I didn’t see any TFRs. This is making me get low on fuel.”

Approach:: “Piper One Two Three, if you fly over P-40 you’re not going to be worried about fuel.”

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Flying home to Portland Troutdale (KTTD) from Medford, Ore. (KMFR) Friday night, I heard the following:

Portland Approach: November One Two Charlie, traffic ten o’clock, southbound at 9,000, a Navajo.

12C: We’re looking.

Approach: Correction, it’s a Malibu.

12C: Still looking.

Approach: Sorry, it’s really a Navajo. Oh well, what the heck, it’s dark.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

On a recent trip from Illinois to Arkansas, we overheard the following exchange:

Razorback Approach: Cessna Two Three Tango, Razorback Approach. Have you changed your destination from Houston, Texas?

Cessna 23T: Razorback Approach, Cessna Two Three Tango. That’s a negative. Destination is still Houston.

Approach: Well Cessna Two Three Tango, on your current heading you are not going to even hit the state of Texas.

Cessna 23T: Approach, Cessna Two Three Tango … we are experiencing … nav problems.

Approach: Cessna Two Three Tango, we assumed that, too … turn right heading 179 direct Houston.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overhead during a rather quiet evening on Minneapolis Center.

Unknown aircraft: Minneapolis Center. Still there?

Minneapolis Center: Engineering to Bridge. Aye, Captain. Tricorder readings indicate carbon-based units still infest the planet.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard on ground frequency at Oakland-Pontiac (Mich.) Airport (KPTK):

Oakland Ground: Ground vehicle one, we’ve had a report of a hawk and a fox fighting at the approach end to 9R. Please investigate.

Ground One [minutes later]: Oakland Ground, this is ground vehicle one. The fight is over. The hawk won.

Oakland Ground: Yes! Once again, a demonstration of the clear superiority of air power.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

On a bumpy day near New York City, we heard the following exchange:

Diamond 8DS: New York Approach, Diamond Eight Delta Sierra. I'm getting continuous moderate turbulence at 5,000. Request 6,000. It looks like I'll be on top at six.

New York Approach: Diamond Eight Delta Sierra. Unable 6,000. Maintain 5,000.

Diamond 8DS: Maintain 5,000, Eight Delta Sierra.

New York Approach [a few minutes later]: Diamond Eight Delta Sierra, change to my frequency 133.75.

Diamond 8DS: “New York Approach, Diamond Eight Delta Sierra. Unable to change frequencies right now. I can't keep my hand on the radio knob in this turbulence.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

We were leaving Martha’s Vineyard when my student nervously contacted Cape Approach:

Cessna 38W: Cape Approach, Cessna Three Eight Whiskey, student pilot departing the Vineyard, requesting advisories to New Bedford.

Cape Approach: Cessna Three Eight Whiskey, Cape Approach. This should be interesting. I’m a student controller, squawk 2234, and ident.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard one day near Chicago:

Chicago Center: Southwest Two Four One Three, traffic at your nine o’clock, three miles.

Southwest 2413: What kind of a plane is that?

Center: Beech Seven Two Two, what type plane are you flying?

Beech 722: Bonanza F33A.

Center: Southwest did you copy?

Southwest 2413 [other pilot’s voice]: I don’t know why he wants to know — he can’t afford it.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Last July, on a 90-degree-plus day, in my Cessna 150 just 30 minutes fuel burn below gross, in IMC and at the already unbelievable altitude of 5,000 feet, Saginaw Approach made this request:

Saginaw Approach: Four Five Uniform, I need you to climb and maintain 7,000.

Cessna 45U: Leaving five climbing seven. But it’s gonna take me about 20 minutes to do it.

Approach: Four Five Uniform, I know. I don’t need you there for another 20 minutes!

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard at the Shreveport Downtown (KDTN) Airport, from a student pilot still very green on the radio.

N3AB: Uh, Downtown Ground, this is Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, will be taxiing to the north practice area, negative radar.

Downtown Ground [amused]: Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, I guess that would be quite a long taxi, wouldn’t it?

N3AB [after a short pause]: Uh, Downtown Ground, Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, uh, say again?

Ground [chuckling]: Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, never mind, taxi to runway one four.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard at DFW:

Dallas/Fort Worth Clearance Delivery: Nine Eight Two Sierra Yankee stand by to copy clearance.

N982SY: Nine Eight Two Sierra Yankee ready to copy.

Clearance Delivery: Nine Eight Two Sierra Yankee is cleared direct Rockport, after departure fly runway heading at or below 2,000 expect 10,000 in 10 minutes, contact Dallas Forth Worth Departure 125.2, squawk 2351.

N9800Y: Nine Eight Two Sierra Yankee fly runway -- hey, if you guys don’t hold still and be quiet, your mother and I will be flying to the Bahamas without you for spring break next week and you’ll be in Dallas with the babysitter. Am I clear?

Clearance Delivery: Oh no. Can I please go too, daddy?

N9880Y: Sure, come on. Guess I forgot to turn loose of the transmit button. Sorry.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard on Chicago Center at 4 a.m., with a female controller working a frequency with almost no traffic.

Cessna 3AB: Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, radio check.

Chicago Center: You’re loud and clear Three Alpha Bravo.

Cessna 3AB: Not too busy this morning?

Center: It’s not even four o’clock. Doesn’t pick up for another hour.

Cessna 3AB: [two minutes later] Chicago Center, Cessna Three Alpha Bravo, request direct O’Hare.

Center: Three Alpha Bravo, how about world peace?

Cessna 3AB: Worth a try.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard while flying into Troutdale, Ore. (KTTD) Class D airspace.

N338BV: Three Three Eight Bravo Victor, inbound, 3000 level, three miles, full stop.

Troutdale Tower: Three Three Eight Bravo Victor cleared straight-in Runway 25. Wind 270 at seven.

N338BV: Do you want me on a right- or left-hand pattern?

Tower: Neither, unless you can do it straight in.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard on Little Rock Airport's (KLIT) clearance delivery frequency.

King Air N1234: Little Rock clearance this is King Air N1234 with a request.

Clearance delivery: Go ahead.

King Air N1234: I have been trying to file a flight plan with Lockheed for more than 30 minutes. Could you take the info and file for me?

Clearance delivery: Sure, give me the info.

King Air N1234: [after the info was given] I never thought I would see the day when I would say the federal government was more efficient than the private sector. Thanks!

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I was flying a Cirrus SR22, introducing the plane to a CFI interested in seeing it in action. We were still about 20 miles out, but the controller was working us into the sequence with other planes, mostly trainers, setting up for practice approaches:

Seattle Approach: Cirrus Seven Charlie Delta, say airspeed.

Cirrus: Seven Charlie Delta is indicating 165.

Approach: Wow! Uh, okay. Cirrus Seven Charlie Delta, slow to 140 or less.

The CFI was rolling with joy, saying, "Dude, you got a 'Wow!'"

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

There is an approach into San Francisco (KSFO) known as the Quiet Bridge Visual. During this approach, commercial operators fly to the bridge and match up with another aircraft for the parallel runway.

NorCal Approach: United Four Five Three, report traffic 10 o’clock one mile, a Skywest Brasilia in sight, and slow to one seven zero.

United 453: Traffic, bridge, airport, parking lot, and my car in sight.

NorCal: United Four Five Three, roger, cleared for the visual two eight right, enjoy your days off, contact tower.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard while flying through Boston Approach's airspace one Sunday evening:

Boston Approach: Piper Four Five Mike, are you a single or twin?

Piper 45M: I am a single with twin envy.

Boston: Say again?

Piper 45M (slightly wistful sounding): Piper Four Five Mike is a single-engine piston.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard between a Cessna 310 driver and Chicago Center.

Chicago Center: Cessna One Two Three Five Bravo, I’ll bring you in a little high so I don’t lose radar contact while vectoring you to the ILS. Do you think you’ll have any problem losing the necessary altitude to make the approach?

Cessna 1235B: No problem Center, this baby comes down like a Bonanza full of doctors!

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

After 10 years of flying a Twin Comanche, I upgraded to a Beech Baron. With the Beechcraft Pilot Proficiency Program in Lakeland, Fla. under my belt, I advanced the throttles on my first PIC flight into Orlando airspace.

Me: Orlando Approach, Baron Eight Two Four just off Lakeland, five miles to the east, out of 1,200 for 3,500. Would like to coordinate a Class B entry en route to New Smyrna Beach, VFR.

Approach [in a classic southern drawl]: Baron Eight Two Four, this is Tampa Approach, and if you don’t call us Orlando, we won't call you a Piper. Squawk two seven three zero and ident.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

The following exchange took place en route to opening day at Sun 'n Fun last April

Bonanza: Jacksonville Center, Bonanza Four Seven Two Zero Yankee. 11,000.

Center: Bonanza Four Seven Two Zero Yankee, Roger, Jacksonville altimeter 30.12.

Bonanza: Are you working a lot of traffic to Lakeland this afternoon?

Center: I'll tell you what -- if you fell out of your airplane right now, you'd never hit the ground.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

I heard this somewhere out East while in the clag and trying to find an approach plate:

Piper: Center, Lance Six Two Eight One November, with you at 7,000 feet.

Center (sounding tired): Lance, Six Two Eight One November, roger. But two things: first you don't need to say "feet" because that's understood. And more importantly, you aren't "with me." I know everybody in this radar room, and you aren't here.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

While cruising at flight levels in a Cheyenne, we heard the following between an American airliner and Miami Center:

American: Center, American Fourteen Eighty-Two looking for higher.

Center: Didn't hear you check in.

American: "First time I've heard your voice. I must've forgot.

Center: That happens when you're over twenty-six or seven.

American: I hope you're talking thousands of feet.

Center: No, age. Sorry.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

During a recent departure from Essex County Airport in Caldwell, N.J., the tower controller must have been frazzled with intensive student training in the pattern:

Tower: Bonanza Seven Zero Mike Romeo, contact New York departure and have a good flight.

Bonanza: To departure. Bonanza Zero Mike Romeo. Have a nice day.

Tower: It's too late for that.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Pittsburgh Ground: Delta Eleven Twenty, follow Hooters off your left to Runway Two-Eight Right.

Delta Eleven Twenty: (in a slow southern drawl) Well, I’ve been doin’ that all my life, and it’s only got me in trouble with the wife.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

United 123: Center, we’ve got continuous chop at 390. Is the ride any better lower?

Center: United 123, standby. Cactus 222 how’s the ride?

Cactus 222: Continuous chop at 350.

Center: United 111, no joy. We’re getting reports of continuous light to moderate chop at all flight levels.

Unknown Aircraft: C’mon down big fella! The ride’s nice and smooth here at flight level 085!

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard while flying between Athens, Ga. and Charleston, S.C.:

Bizjet 123: Approach we just flew through the localizer. Can you vector us around for another attempt — early turn in?

Augusta Approach: Sorry about that. I was on the land line coordinating with Center and the guy just kept talking and talking and talking. I couldn’t get him off the phone.

Bizjet 123: Yeah, I understand. Sometimes I can’t get my wife off the phone, either.

Approach: Well, she must be working at Atlanta Center then.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Heard at Gainesville, Florida Airport:

Cessna: Gainesville tower, Cessna Three Four Five, seven west with Tango.

Tower: Cessna One Two Three Four Five, cleared to land Runway six.

Cessna: We'd prefer Runway one zero, we have some passengers to drop off at the terminal.

Tower: Cessna Three Four Five, you can't do that, you have to use the general aviation FBO.

Cessna: We called ahead and they said we could drop them off as long as we stayed clear of the gate.

Tower: I don't know who told you that, but I'll ask the airport manager.

Tower (a short time later): Cessna Three Four Five. I'm sorry, but you can't taxi to the terminal. However, if you'd like I can clear you for a low approach, and your passengers can jump out as you fly by.

Cessna: (Laughs) How about I just use Runway six?

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Overheard in Southern Florida:

Fort Myers Approach: Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading.

Cessna: Ah, we're headin' for Tampa.

Fort Myers Approach: Cessna Three Four Alpha, say heading.

Cessna: Well, okay, we're headin' for the LaBelle VOR first and then going on to Tampa.

Fort Myers Approach: Cessna Three Four Alpha, could you look at your compass and tell me what number is behind the little line?

Cessna: Oh...you want to know which way we're going right now. Three five zero, sir.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

This comes from a search and rescue pilot at Canadian Forces Base in Bagotville, Quebec. It happened late one night during bad weather, as heard over the tower radio:

Helicopter pilot: Roger, I'm holding at 3,000 feet over the beacon.

Second voice: (Panic in voice) No, you can't be doing that...I'm holding at 3,000 feet over that beacon.

Helicopter pilot: (Short pause) You idiot, you're my copilot.

Overheard in IFR Magazine's "On the Air"

Piper Six Seven Romeo: Center, Piper Six Seven Romeo.

Center: Piper Six Seven Romeo, go ahead.

Piper Six Seven Romeo: Request flight following.

Center: Piper Six Seven Romeo, state your location, altitude, and destination.

Piper Six Seven Romeo: [After a long pause] Uh, San Antonio.

Center: [After pause] Piper Six Seven Romeo, when you figure out where you are and where you want to go, give us a call back.

Bonanza: Jacksonville Center, Bonanza Two Zero Yankee. 11,000.

Center: Bonanza Two Zero Yankee, Roger, Jacksonville altimeter 30.12.

Bonanza: Are you working a lot of traffic to Lakeland this afternoon?

Center: I'll tell you what -- if you fell out of your airplane right now, you'd never hit the ground.

Approach: Great Lakes One Twenty Three, traffic six o'clock, two miles, 1000 feet above you, a 737.

Great Lakes: Approach, Great Lakes One Twentv-Three, if I told you I could see him, I'd be lyin'.

Approach: If you told me you could see him, you'd be my mother, 'cause you'd have eves in the back of your head.

Baltimore Tower: Cirrus 123, your remarks section says you're an Indy fan.

Cirrus 123: Well, no not really, I'm originally from Baltimore, and you know how that story goes.

Baltimore Tower: You're a Ravens fan then?

Cirrus 123: No.

Baltimore Tower: Ah. A Colts fan, wherever they happen to be?

Cirrus 123: Yeah, that's a good way of putting it.

Seminole Two Two Eight: "New York approach, Seminole Two Two Eight, 5,000."

Approach: "Seminole Two Two Eight, Morristown altimeter 30.08. Proceed direct Solberg, maintain 5,000. Were you given any speed restrictions? If so, you can resume normal speed."

Seminole Two Two Eight: "Direct Solberg, 5,000, Two Two Eight. And we're a Seminole. This is normal speed."

Author unknown

Cape approach: "Cessna Four Five Six, are you aware that you are heading toward a restricted area?"

Cessna: "No, I wasn't aware of a restricted area. What's in there?"

Cape approach: "It's some type of microwave installation."

Cessna: "Yup, I see a tower ahead."

Cape approach: "That's the tower I want you to miss. If you fly near that tower, it could ruin all your equipment, and you'll never have anv children."

Cessna: "Roger that. Turning now..."

Cessna: Orlando ground, Cessna Two Three Four, clear of the active.

Ground: Cessna Two Three Four, taxi to the ramp.

Cessna (still on ground frequency but thinking he'd switched to unicom 122.95): Executive Air...ah, this is Cessna Two Three Four...we're going to need some gas.

Ground: I've got plenty of gas, but I don't think it'll work very well in your airplane. Try Executive Air on 122.95.

Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."

Short silence, presumably while the Skylane pilot questioned passengers on the transmission.

Skylane: "Eight Seven Charlie, say again?"

Tower: "Skylane Eight Seven Charlie, cleared for the approach; caution, waterfall in the area."

Again, short silence.

Skylane: "Ah, cleared for the approach, but what do you mean by the waterfall caution?"

Tower: "Waterfall, you know: Ducks and geese...Waterfowl."

Cessna: "Buchanan tower, this is Cessna One Two Three, seven south of Buchanan, 2000 feet, request transit, northbound."
Tower: "Cessna One Two Three, transition approved. Report clear."
Half minute pause, and then: "Tower, this is Cessna One Two Three; where is Clear?"

Seminole: "New York approach, Seminole Two Two Eight, 5,000."

Approach: "Seminole Two Two Eight, Morristown altimeter 30.08. Proceed direct Solberg, maintain 5,000. Were you given any speed restrictions? If so, you can resume normal speed.

Seminole: "Direct Solberg, 5,000, Two Two Eight. And we're a Seminole. This is normal speed."

"I couldn't close my mouth long enough to ask if he was kidding."

Cessna123: Cessna123 ready to go Runway 19.

Tower: Hold short for traffic on final.

Lady ATC Controller (in a somewhat monotone and hard-to-hear voice): Airliner 123, proceed direct FATHR.

Airliner 123: Say again for 123.

ATC: 123, proceed direct FATHR.

Airliner: Couldn't quite understand you. center. Say again.

ATC (now in a slow, deliberate but still monotone voice): Airliner 123, proceed direct FATHR, as in "Luke, I am your father."

Airliner 123 (with chuckles): Direct FATHR, 123.

Later on, for a frequency change ...

ATC: Airliner 123, contact center on 123.45.

Airliner 123: Center on 123.45, and may the force be with you.

Thanks for the support...

I made a pretty nice landing in my Husky at San Antonio International last week with 20 knots across the runway. On rollout, the controller and I had the following conversation:

Controller: That was a pretty stiff crosswind.

Me: Yeah, I was looking for "10" cards up in the tower cab but couldn't see any.

Controller: That's 'cause we had our hands on the crash phones.

Proper radio technique -- think, click, speak...

Flying in the practice area northwest of Daytona Beach an aircraft was giving an advisory call that went like this:

Lake Disston traffic, Cessna 12345 is northeast ... uh, west. No, east. [pause] Where the hell are we?

I was in the pattern at KSRQ shooting a bunch of touch and goes in a Piper Cherokee. The tower called with my next landing clearance. The conversation went something like this...

Tower: Warrior 12345, cleared touch and go, runway 22.

Me: Cherokee 12345, cleared touch and go, runway 22.

Tower: Cessna 12345, roger. Winds 240 at 5.

Me: 12345 is a Piper Cherokee, sir. Roger Wind.

Tower: Warrior 12345, copy.

[pause]

Tower: (Laughter)

"I was sitting on the ramp just about to fly out of Lubbock, TX, yesterday when hopping along came the biggest jackrabbit I ever saw. I thought I would advise ground control about it so they could spare some aircraft from making contact with it on the runway..."

Me: Lubbock ground, um, there's a big jackrabbit headed for the runway on TWY Romeo.

[pause]

Me: Uh... I thought I would tell you so the people who take care of those things could do something about it.

Ground: Copy that. The coyote over there on Mike looks like he'll take care of it.

Flying in Essex county in England, one day:

Southend ATC (having radio trouble): G-ABCD, Southend, radio check.

[no response]

Southend ATC: G-EFGH, Southend, radio check.

[again no response]

Southend ATC: G-IJKL, Southend, radio check

G-IJKL: Roger Southend, your readability, 4.

Southend ATC: Well... One outta three ain't bad.

DEP: ... Airliner123 cleared to FL33, as filed to Atlanta.

123: (after readback) Wish you worked Atlanta, we always get a stairstep out of there.

DEP: That's why they call us "controllers."

123: I already have a wife.

On the return home Saturday I heard the following exchange as I headed southbound passing Madison, WI. Warrior 98765 was heading north and already receiving a Flight Following Service from Madison Approach.

Madison Approach: Say Again ...

Warrior 765: Yeah. Can you tell me if there is any kind of special NOTAM for getting into Oshkosh today?

Madison Approach: You're kidding, right?

Warrior 765: No, my [garbled] was out and I couldn't get anything before I took off. Can you tell me what the arrival procedure is?

[Longer Pause]

Madison Approach: (speaking slowly) I suggest you land before you get there and get a copy. There's one here at Wisconsin Aviation ... or Middleton is in your 10 o'clock.

Warrior 765: Standby ...

The following was an exchange between a friend and a pre-flight briefer last weekend. The briefer got to the NOTAMS and there was one for a rocketry club near Schaumburg, IL...

My Friend: Man! First it's North Korea, now Schaumburg!

Tower: N12345 traffic at your one o'clock.

N12345: Looking for traffic.

[long pause...]

Tower: N12345 traffic now ... your traffic at three o'clock.

N12345: Still looking. I only see birds over there.

Tower: Well, look close. One of them has a transponder in it.

Delta: Center, Delta 123 request higher.

Center: Delta 123, climb and maintain Flight Level 500.

(long pause)

Center: Delta 123, how much higher did you want?

Delta: Center, Flight Level 390 would be fine. (pause) Thanks for asking.

PHL Tower: US Air 123 cleared to land Runway 27R.

US Air 123: Cleared to land runway 26R. PHL Tower: I wish we had a 26R. But you are cleared to land runway 27R.

US Air 123: Apologies, sir. Realized the mistake as it left my mouth and wished I could have taken it back.

PHL Tower: Understood. Something like that ended my first marriage.

Unknown: ... All of our first marriages.

"I was about to lift off with my instructor from a class D airport in a Robinson R-44. The route of flight would take us very near neighboring Class C airspace. The controller questioned us after we gave our initial heading..." Controller: Staying clear of all airspaces?

My instructor: ...Except yours.

(short pause) Controller: Did you just say, 'Up yours'?

We were both laughing too hard to respond.

I was returning to the US with my niece. The week before, a friend had flown the plane into a local grass strip and there was still mud and residue on the fuselage. As customs agents inspected the plane, one officer asked about the dirt and commented, "I gotta say, that's the first time I've seen grass on the outside of the airplane." Naturally dense (and focused on the inspection) I puzzled as my teenage niece began to choke down laughter.

...She had to explain it to me as we taxied away.

"... Glad he wasn't speaking prophetically!"

PA-44: Page Traffic, Seminole Echo-Romeo entering the left down wind, we will be simulated single engine... C-172S: Seminole Echo-Romeo, Cessna is following you into the Downwind on the left 45. [pause]

... We're single engine, as well.

An exchange overheard between an Australian charter company and ATC. The company was in mid-April flying a DC-3 carrying a wedding party at 2000 feet over Sydney harbour while the nuptials took place. The flight's pilot made sure ATC was aware and ready to coordinate a return to the airport...

DC-3: ...and, Sydney, we'll soon be finished with the ceremony and looking for a higher altitude for the return.

[soon after]

DC-3: ...So that's it. He does, she does, and that much is done.

ATC: Very well.

[pause]

You're cleared for the return at 5280 feet. (Laughing) And tell them to make it snappy.

Cessna N1234 (Student): Livermore tower Cessna 1234 at Sierra ready to taxi 25R with India.

Tower: Roger N1234 taxi to India.

[Student gives me the "Huh? You read it back," look.]

Cessna N1234 (Instructor): Tower N1234 confirm you want us to taxi to 25R. We don't have enough fuel to get to India.

ATC: Western 474, Ellsworth Approach Control is utilizing a certain phase of the radar called circular polarization, which allows us to depict only the most severe areas of weather on the radar display.

[Long Pause...]

Western 474: Approach, say again, please.

[Without error, ATC repeated the alert, (which I had never heard before!)]

[Second Long Pause...]

Western 474: Approach, we don't know what's going on down there, but the co-pilot seems to think that somebody just circumsized a polar bear.

Many years ago when I was a student pilot flying a C-120, (if you can remember when flight schools used C-120s, you may be older than I am), I groundlooped in front of the tower at BFI. Here's the exchange, as I remember it:

Tower: Cessna triple 7, are you experiencing difficulties?

Me: No.

(pause)

...not now that I've got the sonofa**** stopped.

Tower: [Through laughter] Triple seven, taxi to the ramp.

Us: Tower, we're high, uh, Cessna 1234, on the left base.

Tower: Sir, you're speaking with ATC, and I'm only qualified to respond to the second part of your transmission. Cleared to land 14. (short pause)

...that first part sounds more appropriate for someone with the ATF.

Tower: RJ1234 you're cleared for the visual following the Columbia on a one mile final.  

(pause)

RJ1234: ...I'm following the Space Shuttle?!!

Tower: KL123 you are cleared to land on runway 24

KL123: (with a loud background noise) Thank you sir, KL123 cleared to land runway 24

Tower: KL123, what is that high noise on the background?

KL123: It's just normal cockpit noise

Tower: You sound like a Fokker 50 cabriolet

KL123: Fine, I'll close the window

Approach: Jet 123, maintain 9,000.

Jet 123: Um, ok, we're gonna go through it.

Approach: That's ok, climb and maintain 10,000.

Jet 123: Uh, we're on our way back down to 9,000, now.

Approach: Well, 10 is available, you're welcome to climb and maintain 10,000.

Jet 123: Why are you doing this to us?

Approach: Well, I'm trying to separate you from traffic behind you, if that's OK.

Jet 123: That's fine, but we just zero-g'd an aircraft with a US Senator aboard. We'd rather not squash him, now.

[pause]

Approach: If I'd known that, I'd have sent you back down to 5,000 first.

Heard while established on a seven-mile final to Runway 1 at Republic Airport in Farmingdale, NY (FRG) January 1, 2002...

Arrow N1234: Republic Tower, Arrow 1234 nine miles north, landing with Victor.

Tower: Arrow 234 report the right downwind Runway 1.

Arrow 234: Tower, any chance we could get a straight in?

Tower: Arrow 234, you did say you were north didn't you?

Arrow 234: Yes, we are 7 mile s north.

Tower: Arrow 234, understand the only way I can give you a straight in for 1 is if I turn you around and have you continue for about 24,000 miles.

I had a little trouble navigating a straight approach while laughing so hard.

While on short final for the center runway of KIWA during a busy time of day we overheard tower give instructions to the aircraft following behind us:

N1234: Gateway tower, N1234, with you ILS three-zero-charlie.

Tower: N1234, roger, number two cleared to land, there will be...

(pause)

Well... there will be a lot of stuff happening before you land.

C-G1234: Unicom, request Airport Advisory.

Unicom: Sorry, say again your sign?

C-G1234: I'm a Gemini. I like candle-light dinners and long walks on the beach ... but I don't see what that has to do with anything, right now.

Overheard this weekend.

Pilot: Tower, Cessna1234 would like to shoot a missed approach. Tower: Cessna 1234 approved for missed approach.

Pilot: Roger. How close can we come?

[pause]

Tower: ... Just don't hit the tower.

Twr: Cactus 51, turn right zulu and golf, hold behind the plane that's stopped to recycle.

Cactus 51: Cactus 51 we'll make the right zulu and golf, behind the recycled airplane ... whatever that means.

Trw: C'mon Cactus, you guys should know what that means, you fly Airbus' -- it's when the screens go blank and you have to restart them all.

Cactus 51: Oh, yeah, we know about that. We just thought it was 'cause we were out of quarters.

I landed in the first 150 feet of a runway in a Flightstar (Vx = 40 KIAS) and was taxiing past the main taxiway where an Air Asia 737 was waiting... Tower: 9M-EAU please expedite.

9M-EAU: Wilco. [...while acclerating to about 15 knots on the ground.]

Air Asia Pilot: We can wait, sir. If he goes any faster he'll be flying again.

N465: Ground, N465 at Pacific Aviation, VFR to the west with Victor, ready for taxi, we're going to need a progressive, please.

Ground: N465, roger. Alpha three, right Bravo, hold short 27 Right.
[short pause]
Unknown: Hike!

Heard over the UNICOM:

Cessna XYZ: "Cessna XYZ taking runway 10."

Unknown voice: "Well, don't take it very far. There's another plane on final."

I fly "co-pilot" for a national carrier. This particular dark and stormy night had me eager for some real world practice. The captain had other ideas.

Me: I'd like to fly the approach tonight if you don't mind.

Captain: ...and how many times have you flown this one before?

Me: More times than I can count.

(pause)

Captain: I'm still waiting for you to say something that might inspire my confidence.

"Attention all pilots, don't land on taxiway Lima located between runway 27 right and 27 left... [pause] ...Duh!"

F1234: 12-thousand, F1234.

ATC: F1234, can you make it to 12 in one minute?

(short pause)

F1234: Negative. The captain requests I inform you we're going as fast as this Fokker will go.

(silence)

ATC: ...Right. Lufthansa 456, turn right heading 330, please.

Here is my recollection of a conversation heard on 128.25 last Saturday:

Aircraft on Approach: Get off the runway I am landing.

Aircraft on Runway: Maybe you should go around if I am not fast enough for you.

Aircraft on Approach: I can't, I have a terrible crosswind, I am in trouble, I am in a 180. Aircraft on Runway: ...Maybe you shouldn't be flying a 180.

I'm a student at Daniel Webster College, and one particularly nasty winter morning last year I was calling the briefer before my 7AM flight...

Me: Good morning this is N---DW, I'd like a standard VFR brief for the Nashua area and ...

Briefer (cutting me off): You're not going anywhere this morning except back to bed.

(pause)

... Still want your briefing?

Heard on Philadelphia Approach:

Duke 1234: Philly Approach, we're gonna begin our VFR descent for the field.

Controller: Duke 1234, say altitude descending to.

Duke 1234: We're descending for the field.

Controller: Roger, Duke 1234, say altitude descending to.

Duke 1234: Well, the field elevation is 78 feet, so ... hopefully, we won't be going below that.

Controller: Squak 1200, radar services terminated.

Nameless 747 jock: "Ground, can you confirm that a '400 will fit between these two lamposts?"

ATC: "Yip, absolutely, no shadow of a doubt, definitely will."

... pause ...

ATC: "Assuming you are on the centreline....."

After landing on RWY 30 the other day I began to taxi to the gate when I noticed a beautiful red fox strolling across the taxiway.

Me: Hey, Ground. Did you know you have foxes here on the airport?

Ground: Oh, sure, plenty of them. I'm surprised you knew it was a fox -- most pilots think they are wild dogs.

Me: Well, I've been to a bar or two. I know a fox when I see one!

Female Voice: Then I guess you'd know a wild dog, too.

Departing Aircraft: Uh, Tower, N1234. Are you talkin' to this traffic out here? He's headed straight for us.

(short pause)

Departing Aircraft: Scratch that ... (timidly) ... we're looking at a planet.

ATC: N1234, confirm you have current ATIS.

N1234: N1234 has Whiskey.

(Unidentified pilot): In that case, welcome to the party!

ATC: N1234 traffic 1 o'clock, 6 miles.

N1234: Right ... uh ... we're in a cloud.

(short pause)

ATC: Then you won't see her.

N1234: Roger. Negative traffic, 234.

Controller: Bonanza 123AB you will be following a Duchess on downwind ... he's about to lose an engine.

Me: Ground, we're going to stop here to clean up a bit.

Ground: Why? It looked like a great landing from here...

On a particularly windy day, I was in a skyhawk on right base for 35.

Me: Wind check.

Controller: Winds 300 at 26
(pause)
... We've got the trucks on standby.

Several months ago, whilst assigned to the Tracon, an incident occurred which still causes great laughter throughout our community.

It was a busy arrival session, the controller was working four VHF frequencies -- including approaches into a satellite airport and two UHF frequencies.

After sending numerous transmissions of, “Blocked!” (by some unknown aircraft chiming in at the wrong time) the controller finally screamed, "Darn it! Every time I key up, some idiot starts talking!”

The entire room busted out laughing and, surprisingly, the controller did not get the humor (which only made it that much more funny for the rest of us)!

Nor Cal Approach: Bonanza 1-2-3-4, opposite direction traffic at your 1 o'clock, five miles, five hundred feet above you, Blue Angels flight of two.

Bonanza 1-2-3-4: Negative contact, say again type traffic.

Nor Cal: Two F-18s, blue and yellow. Currently at your one moving to two o'clock ... make that three o'clock ... um ... traffic no longer a factor. Caution, wake turbulence.

ONT Twr: Airbus 1234, where are you going today, sir? Airbus 1234: Right where that 727 is, and, uh, be advised our tail might be a little bit over your runway.

Boeing NABC: Don't worry. A little tail never hurt anybody.

(awkward silence)

Airbus 1234: ... Wish I could say that.

Tower: Southwest 972 Position and hold runway 28

Pilot Reply: You're 90 degrees off ... (pause) ... Northwest 972 will position and hold, runway 28

ATC: Did you get your numbers?

Airline: [Somewhat garbled] Negative.

ATC: Was it "Negative?"

Airline: [Again, rather garbled] Affirmative.

ATC: So ... "negative," or "affirmative?"

Airline: "Affirmative" for "negative..." [the other guy in the cockpit can be heard chuckling in the background]

Airline: New York Center, Bizmumble 123, inbound from across the pond. How are you today?

Center: Well ... I'm working on a holiday.

Airline (indignantly): You're barkin' up the wrong tree, buddy.

I was working at LAN FSS prompting a new student through the flight plan form. When we got to the bottom fo the form I asked the student, "Number on board and color."

Student: One white male.

Returning home from the West Coast a few years ago, we landed in Flint Mich. The Midwest had weeks of rain and overcast skies that summer and I got this on departure...

"Bonanza Five Four Seven Zero Victor, when vou get on top would you look out to the southeast and tell me if you see a big bright light?"

-- Don Sanderson Bear Creek, Pennsylvania

While enjoying a chartered King Air flight, a fellow passenger and I were passing time trying to guess from what part of the country the crew originated. The conversation came to an abrupt end when we noticed one of the landing lights seemed to be shining oddly skyward, Voice In The Cockpit: Look there, one landing light is possum huntin'.

My Friend: Deep south?

Me: I'll take that bet.

Pilot: Cessna 1234 ready to taxi and we contacted Patrick ATIS ... but ... uh ... we couldn't get a word in edgewise.

Advise on contact you have information ECHO...Echo...echo...

I was "in the queue" for landing at Oshkosh a couple of years back. As everyone knows, landing aircraft are spoken to but don't verbally reply to the FAA controllers.

ATC to Two ahead of me: Brown Cessna, land on the Orange Spot. Rock your wings if you copy.

(The Cessna rocked his wings.)

ATC to One ahead of me: Red Biplane, land on the Blue Spot. Rock your wings.

(The Pitts Special executed two snap rolls to the left.)

ATC: And save that for the show, will you?

I had been through the area five days before, controllers stated that they were having intermittent reception on my transponder. I later left their area and had no further problems on the flight. Just to be sure, I had a mechanic check it out, and he found no problems. Five days later, through the same Evansville, Indiana control area, the same problem reared its head...

Controller: Cessna 12345, I am not receiving your transponder.

Me: I don't understand that. I had the same problem with you last week and I had the unit inspected with no problems.

Controller: Well that's peculiar. In that case, maybe it has something to do with the 1950's technology equipment built in the 1970's held together by 1990's duct tape we're using on this end. Come to think of it, it's probably us.

Several years ago I was flying into OSH in the late afternoon, second in line for runway 27 behind a warbird on straight in. As everyone who flies into OSH during convention knows, there are three colored dots on the runway that help separate aircraft so the controller can land three on the same runway at the same time. The conversation went something like this:

Tower: Warbird, cleared to land, runway 27 on the "Green" dot.

Warbird: Ahhh ... which one's the "Green" dot.

Tower: Well, it's not the "Red" one and it's not the "Orange" one.

Warbird: With the glare, they all look the same.

Tower: Oops, sorry, it's the first one. Cleared to land, runway 27, on the first dot.

United: Center, United 123 in light chop -- how's the ride ahead?

Center: Should smooth out in a couple of minutes.

United: Yeah, it just smoothed out for us.

Center: Sometimes it helps just to talk about it.

United: You sound just like my girlfriend.

(pause)

Unknown: You know ... he *does* sound just like your girlfriend!

As many know when you fly into EAA Airventure at Oshkosh you are asked not to reply to ATC radio communication -- just wiggle your wings and comply. While flying into EAA I heard the following conversation between a landing amphibian and the tower.

Tower: Amphibian say parking.
(pause)
Tower: Amphibian say parking.
(pause)
Tower: Amphibian say parking!

Amphibian: (In unsure voice) ... Parking.

Tower: Very good. Now -- where -- are you parking?

Tower: Understand that was 'Senior' at the controls?

Instructor: Affirmative.

Tower: Well we certainly don't see them that nice very often. Thank you, sir, for showing us all how it's done.

Senior: Well, I may not be as good as I once was. But I'm as good once as I ever was.

Clearance Delivery: ...then own navigation as filed. Read back.

Flight 269: Roger. 269 is cleared to Destination Indian Springs via after take off Radar vectors to 4000, then present position direct BOM, pass BOM at 6000 or below, after passing 15,000 turn right on heading 280 to intercept J-156 direct ZZT, thereafter intercept J-158, climb and maintain FL 240 own navigation as filed...

(short pause)

...And I need another pencil.

ARFF truck: ARFF 1 to ground control.

Tower: Go ahead ARFF 1.

ARFF truck: Would like to cross the main runway to access the fuel center.

Tower: OK, use perimeter road. That's what it's for.

Center: Cessna 1234, how's the ride at 5000? I can give you 7000 if it helps.

Cessna 1234: Moderate turbulence and looks bad ahead ... but its not gonna be better at seven, I think we will just pray ... (pause) ... I mean stay at 5000,

Cessna 1234 (Different Voice): Center, I think we're gonna do a bit of both.

DEP: Aircraft XYZ, Contact Yao Ming on 123.45

Pilot: ...Huh?

DEP: Houston Center

Pilot: Unknown airport with Cessna 150 circling overhead ... Identify yourself!

TWR: Traffic 12 o'clock, 2 miles, an Airbus.

Airliner: Traffic in sight.

(pause)

And he'll be happy to know his rudder is intact.

Tower: Piper 1234 be aware of a flock of birds off of runway 12.

Piper 1234: Tower, we have birds in sight off our right wing.

Tower: Piper 1234 can you deternime what kind of birds they are? ...Geese?

Cessna 567: Tower we have a flock of cranes off of our left wing.

Tower: Cessna 567. Can you tell what kind of cranes? (pause)

Piper 1234: They appear to be ... unlit cranes.

Unidentified: ... Had that one coming.

Airplane: You guys need to get some snow melters like they have over in Buffalo.

Tower: We do have one. (Pause.) It's called July 4th.

Airplane: I thought that was just a bad day for ice fishing.

Plane: Tower, 01Q.

Tower: 01Q, Tower.

Plane: 01Q has a request.

Tower: Go ahead 01Q.

Plane: 01Q would like to taxi back to the FBO to refuel.

(pause)

Tower: OK 01Q, we'll see if we can't get you out of here today.

Skylane 12345: Chattanooga we would like to take pictures of the Chockamauga Dam, one rolling to right and one to left.

Control: Approved. Maintain VFR.

Skylane 12345: Chattanooga, we need to climb to 10,000 to take a couple more.

(short pause)

Control: Approved, maintain VFR.

Skylane 12345: Chattanooga, we would like to shoot one more from the south.

(longer pause)

Control: DAM photo approved.

Unknown: Bet he wont ask again.

Airliner 123: Airliner 123, waiting in sequence.

Oakland Tower: A little too much information, 123 ... but I'll bet you look adorable in sequins.

As I taxied into the number two position (holding short of the runway behind one of the local flightschool aircraft) I switched to tower frequency -- just in time to hear the following transmission between the tower and student pilot:

Tower: Skyhawk 123 taxi into position and hold.

(pause)

Skyhawk 123: Aaaah ...

(short pause)

Skyhawk 123: ... Assume the position, 123.

Overheard at a small Australian regional airport.

Regional Carrier XYZ Tower, XYZ, we may be reporting a bird-strike on landing. We're just backtracking the runway to check.

Tower There’s a large bird lying on the runway, so we’re confirming that strike.

Regional Carrier Roger, XYZ. Can you see any damage?

Tower Don’t know yet, we haven’t checked. ...But its not moving.

Palomar Tower: Tiger Moth on the right downwind, say your intentions.

Tiger Moth: Strictly honorable Ma'am, strictly honorable.

Overheard inbound to EAA's AirVenture Oshkosh, 2003, where only the controllers on the ground speak and pilots respond by rocking their wings.

Controller: Bell Helicopter, Fisk Approach. If you read, rock your wings.

[pause]

Controller: Right... OK, I guess you really don't have any wings. Bell Helicopter, if you read, transmit.

Helicopter: I read you, Fisk.

Controller: Roger, enter left traffic for runway 36, welcome to Oshkosh ... you've earned your wings today.

Saratoga 12345: Roger, looking for traffic.

(long pause)

Saratoga 12345: Approach, Saratoga 12345, no joy on that traffic, can you give us a better location on it?

ATC: I can give you a much better location ... he's 2 miles behind you. Traffic no longer a factor. In spite of your best efforts, the Big Sky theory wins again.

Tower: Experimental N123, we'll try to squeeze you in. Number one, cleared to land, runway 26 left. Be advised, traffic close behind you.

Experimental: Number one for 26 left, N123.

(pause)

Tower: Experimental N123, turn your base now, please, and keep your speed up. Traffic, a Hawker jet 10 miles out, number two behind you.

Experimental: Uh ... roger ... be advised, we're already pedaling as fast as we can.

Pilot: ...request VFR flight following to Lakeland. ATC: N123, unable at this time...

Pilot: Roger, unable. Any idea when can I expect it?

ATC: Try again ... this time next week.

Airline ABC: Miami center, Airline ABC, any ride reports up ahead? We're getting continuous light to moderate here at two-eight-oh.

Center: Airline ABC, Miami center, no ride reports for that area, but I've got three-zero-zero available. That's a brand new flight level ... so there shouldn't be any potholes in the road yet.

Twr: Helicopter N123 are you heading southeast after takeoff?

N123: Negative, request south towards San Diego.

Twr: There are mountains in the way...

(pause)

N123: ...which explains our use of an aircraft today.

Tower: Understand you're without cargo today. If you're light, cleared for runway 6.

N1234: All I have on board is my wife ... and she's heavy, but not THAT heavy.

(pause)

Tower: Roger N1234, and she's flying with you, now?

N1234: Yep, she's got her headset on and is punching the heck out of me. Cleared to land runway 6, N1234.

Tower: Copy all. ...We'll roll the trucks.

Me: Skyhawk ##1, four miles south of the field, entering left downwind runway 22.

Other Pilot: N##2 crossing mid-field. I dont see you, do you have your lights on?

ME: We are all lit.

Wife: (over the intercom) That didn't sound right.

Me: Just to clarify, the plane is lit, not the pilot.

A fighter pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running, "a bit peaked." A controller responded and the lore follows...

ATC: Roger. You're number two behind a B-52. They've had to shut down an engine.

Fighter Pilot: Ah, yes ... the dreaded seven-engine approach.

Unicom: Roger, Skylane 123, Wind is calm. Sklane 123, your rotating beacon is not working. Wait ... yes it is. No it's not. Yes it is....

Me: Roger, thanks.

Airliner 123: Pretty good actually.....

Tower: When did you break out?

Airliner 123: (pause) 1996

Airliner 123: (even longer pause) OH!! You mean out of the clouds??

Airliner 123: ...About 1000 feet.

Tower: L39 N###, Did you guys get that contract with the post office?

L39: Say again Ellington Tower.

Tower: L39, We heard that the mail was going to be in the Czech.

(pause)

L39: ... Slow day, huh.

Tower: (laughing) Sorry.

Heard on 126.7...

Pilot No. 1: Cheerokee 140, C-1234, 2 miles south of Rougemont at 2000 feet in direction of Quebec. For any conflict contact GBBM on 126.7.

Pilot No. 2: Thank you...

(pause)

... Can we talk about Palestine?

Cherokee N123: Miami Center, Cherokee N123 at 4000, ATIS for Palm Beach.
Miami Center: Cherokee N123, maintian 4000.
Cherokee: Center, I'll need to get lower to land at Palm Beach.
Center: Cherokee N123, let me see what I can arrange.
(Short pause)
Center: Cherokee N123, I've got good news. Apparently, you'll be landing at 4000 feet today.

Approach: Baron N###, traffic is a Piper Arrow at 11 o'clock, 2 miles.

his response.......

Thanks Pittsburg, we already have him on the fishfinder.

There is a certain airline that flies Airbus A319s out of Lindberg. The following was overheard there recently...

Controller: Roger [A319], turn left heading 140.

A319: (No answer)

Controller: [A319], Left turn, please. Now make the heading 120. Good rate, please.

A319: Ah, Departure, the airplane won't let us do that.

(pause)

Controller: ...Right.

(short pause)

Controller: Would you mind putting the airplane on the radio, then?

Center: 345, climb approved.

(After reaching 8000.)

Cessna N12345: 345 level 8.

Center: 345 it looks like you've picked up 10kts.

Mooney N23456: Center, Mooney 456 would like to pick up 10kts too!

Center: Mooney 456, climb approved.

A student pilot was on a cross country solo flight to Santa Barbara. Eager to fly "heavy metal" he contacts approach at 5,500 feet for flight following... N12345: ...approach, Cessna 12345 checking in at flight level 550.

Approach (after a long pause): Roger, Cessna 12345 ... you can contact NASA at 368.2 for further advisories!

Approach: Roger, N1234. How about Tuesday afternoon?

(pause)

LTW: Standby while we check our fuel, N1234.

Me: Approach N*** looking for tower.
Them: N*** 12 o'clock, 11 miles. It's the tall one.
(pause)
Them: (laughing) N*** squawk VFR contact tower eighteen four have a good day.
(...Maybe they could see my expression through the radio.)

Pilot: Price County traffic, Experimental #### will be going down in the lake off the end of 01.

Unicom: Will notify Sheriff's department immediately. Hang on!

Pilot: ...........Uh, negative.........we're an Amphibian.

Tower: Sir, just give me a moment while I get my Shorts down.

Tower: (To aircraft doing touch and goes alone in the pattern) ...You watching the fireworks just north of here?

Piper1234: Yup ... what's the holiday on August 18th that includes fireworks?

Tower: No clue.

Unidentified: Well, I know what it is. Ten year aniversary of my diviorce.
(pause) ...And now I know where the money has gone.

Experimental: Brown Tower, experimental ###, holding short of 26R on Bravo. Running late and ready to go.

Tower: Experimental ### hold short landing traffic ... Citation on four mile final.

Experimental: Hold short 26R, ###.

Tower: Experimental ###, can you make room over there on Bravo for the Citation coming off the active?

Experimental: We'll pull off into the run-up area, ###.

Tower: Thank you.

Experimental: Yup. But if there's anything else we could do ... like if they decide their limo needs shining ... please find someone else.

Me: You mean it?

ARTCC: Sure do.

Me: Do I hafta?

ARTCC: Yep. Me: Okay ... but it's gonna take me ten minutes or better.

ARTCC: Okay, then if I ask you to descend to 9,000 for ten minutes, how long will it take you to get back to 10?

Me: Oh, 'bout the same, 1MV.

ARTCC: Okay, I guess I'll have to go to plan B.... 1MV, maintain one-zero thousand. United 123, turn right 20-degrees for traffic; American 456, maintain niner thousand for opposite direction traffic, 12 o'clock 10 miles at 10 thou; Trans World 789, cancel direct, turn right 250-degrees, and stop the descent at 0ne-two thousand ...

ATC: Copy. Care to offer a PIREP?

Beech: Sure. At 12,000 we've got lightning ... cloud-to-cloud, cloud-to-ground ... so far, negative cloud-to-airplane-to-ground...

Kansas City Area Control: Fedex ###, roger. How long to climb to FL310?

Fedex ###: Roger, just a minute...

(brief silence)

Unknown 1: I gotta get me one o' whatever he's flyin'.

Unknown 2: ...must be outta Cape Kennedy.

Pilot: Beech Dutchess, Low wing, twin-engine, white and blue. Pilot: You're all a quarter-inch long and green to me.

Me: Exec tower, Cherokee 123, what can you tell me about the Cheyenne at my six?

Tower: Oh it's a BIG, PRETTY plane; with wings and wheels, and it looks like a big Tylenol...

Katana ###F (a student ... me): Number two following a Warrior that I am looking for.

Tower: The Warrior is on left downwind at about 2 oíclock.

Katana ###F: I have the traffic in sight, Katana ###F.

(Few moments pass)

Katana ###F: Santa Rosa Tower, Katana ###F does not have the traffic in sight. What I saw was a bird.

Tower: (Laughter from the tower) Katana ###F, continue downwind. I'll call your turn to base.

Super Cruiser: Caldwell tower, Super Cruiser N### has just departed Morristown, I would like to transition your airspace to the north. CDW: Super Cruiser transition approved at or above 1700 ft.

(About 5 minutes later...)

CDW: Super Cruiser, say again aircraft type.

Super Cruiser: Caldwell Tower, I am a PA-12, 1946 Piper Cub Super Cruiser, just a bit old and slow.

CDW: Roger ... not unlike some of us in the Tower.

Tower: I thought I saw a pink mist down there. Is your plane OK?

Pilatus: Seems we're fine, but its not been a good day for Rocky.

Tower: Let's just hope Bullwinkle doesn't come looking...

(10 minutes later) Airport 1: Taxi 31 for squirrel removal.

Unknown voice: Do you have an approved squirrel cage for that squirrel?

Airport 1: Uh... I'm afraid this is more of a shovel operation. Tower: Cherokee ###, extend downwind. We're scraping up the squirrel.

(Overheard May 15, 2004.)

Tower: Landing traffic, be advised that there's still a turkey on the runway.

Pilot (speaking immediately): Tower, Cessna ### clear of the active.

Tower: Thank you ... (laughter) ... but I meant the real turkey.

Voice on frequency: I want to see this!

Another voice: Me, too! Tower: Uh, Experimental XYZ, make that hold short of 22. Voice: Darn!

Pilot: I'm here for my check ride.
(pause)
Controller: Are you a bit nervous?

Pilot: A bit...

Controller: Because you landed on the taxiway instead of the assigned runway....

Overheard on a busy training day while joining the traffic pattern at Caldwell airport, N.J...

Tower: Cessna ###, traffic at your one o'clock and 1,200.

Cessna ###: We've got a Piper flying an extremely tight pattern ... or a go-around.

Tower: Piper ###, traffic, a Cessna, at your five o'clock and 1,300.

Piper: We've got a Cessna flying and extremely distant downwind ... or landing somewhere else.

"Remember, you really only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape."

Tower: Fokker 170, hold position.

Fokker 170: I don't know how to do that.

(pause)

Manila Tower: [Airliner] 2, hold position. Fokker 170, continue approach, cleared to land.

Pilot: Approach, Skylane N###, Could I have a right turn direct my destination?

Approach: Standby. I'll check to see if that Dash 8 doing 200 knots up your five-o'clock feels like wearing you on his lapel...

Cessna XYZ: Cessna ABC, Cessna XYZ return to base due to turbulence. Student unwell.

Cessna ABC: Cessna XYZ, my student suggests it will be better for the both of you if you climb on top.

Tower: Cessna XXX, do you have traffic?

Cessna: Cessna XXX has the traffic, he's right beside me.

Tower: Eagle XXX, traffic is a Cessna 182 on parallel for 28L, Eagle XXX is cleared for landing, Runway 28R.

Christen Eagle: Roger, Eagle XXX has traffic, cleared to land Runway 28R.

Cessna: Tower, Cessna XXX here, can you let me know when ...

(pause)

.... "the Eagle has landed"?

(Several seconds of silence on frequency.)

Unidentified voice: Smart @ss.

Pilot: I've never flown into there before. Do you have anything you can tell me aside from the weather?

Briefer: The windsock is inoperable.

(pause)

Briefer: Apparently their wind is out of service.

XXX: "Oh. Goody..."

ZKxxx: Request entry into the zone with Charlie 1021, currently 20 miles to the south west at 2500.

Wellington Tower: Cleared to enter the zone via the Sinclair Sector 1500 feet or below.

ZKxxx: Cleared to enter the zone via Sinclair at 1500 or below.

(A few minutes later...)

Tower: ZKxxx, suggest you descend to 1500 immediate to avoid a fast approaching pile of paperwork.

During an IFR training flight, while getting vectored to the ILS-35, on a heading of 090...

Approach (female controller): Cardinal XXX, turn left heading 350 to intercept, cleared for the approach... Sorry for the bad vector, if you go through the localizer, continue left turn to 330 to intercept.

Cardinal XXX (male instructor): No problem, it was a perfect turn on...

... to the final approach course I mean!

On my first cross-country with friends after passing my private pilot checkride (back in the late Paleolithic...), I was in the runup area, working through the pre-takeoff checklist. An uncharacteristically subdued voice said from the rear seat, "If she still has to read the directions, I don't think I want to go!"

re: Business AVflash Volume 2, Issue 4 -- February 25, 2004.

You referred to "East Overshoe, Wyoming" in your article about the TSA. East Overshoe is in Connecticut. The town you're thinking of is Medicine Breath, Wyoming.

Approach: November XXXX say again type.

NXXXX: We're a Beech 19. You know, the little one.

Approach: Roger. So what you're saying is you're a little son of a Beech.

Tower: ABC, cleared for takeoff. Caution for a rabbit at the far end of the runway.

ABC: Roger rabbit...

Tower: Cessna XXX cleared to land 20.

Cessna: Cleared to land 20.

Tower: Cessna XXX can you land and hold short 31-13.
(brief pause.....)
Cessna: You bethca.

Tower: XXX is that a roger.

Cessna: ...Roger. Land and hold short 31-13.

Skyhawk: Baron in sight.

a little later...

Tower: Skyhawk you're 10 knots faster than the Baron. Slow down.

Skyhawk: Yeeha!!! (Followed by hysterical laughter.)

Tower: Right... Not something you hear every day.

Approach: Your wish is my command...

Carrier 1234: Approach, got time for another wish?

Approach: Nope, you used up your wish.

Carrier 1234: I don't get three?

Approach: Carrier 1234, did you say Boston, or Austin?