Pilot: Request an estimate for our clearance for the approach.

 Controller: Bonanza 1234, is there a problem? 

Pilot: Do the words, "Daddy, I gotta go potty!" mean anything to you? 

Controller: Bonanza 1234, cleared for the approach.

Approach: We will try to help you. Do you see a city, highway, or water tower nearby?

Pilot: There is a city nearby with a water tower.

Approach: Fly over the water tower and tell us what you see written on it.

[pause]

Pilot: "Class of '98"

Controller: "Lear 12345, after retrieving your passengers from the tail section, contact departure..."

TLH Approach: Cessna 12345, state intentions. Pilot: Cessna 12345 intends to land without hurling ... somehow.

Unknown Pilot: There's some bad interference on twenty-six nine. Controller: Roger. That's 15 yards ... automatic first down!

Cessna 123: Tower, I have a load of Young Eagles on board. Do you have any idea how long I should keep them up here?

Tower: Cessna 123, ahhh, until the second one throws up ... that should just about do it.

A test pilot for Cessna Aircraft Company logged over 3000 hours flying over Independence, Kan., in five years of service with the company. For his anniversary, the pilot was given a tie tack and a certificate for a free one-hour airplane ride ... over Independence, Kan.

Aircraft: Ground. Extra NXXX at the south "T's," VFR to the northwest with information "Extra" ... I'm sorry, information "Echo."

Ground: Good morning NXXX. Taxi to Runway 31. Information "Fast- airplane" now current!

Pilot: Air France Alpha Victor short final 23. Controller: AF Alpha Victor cleared to land 23. Is it for a full stop? Pilot: Wait a second. I'll ask the passengers.

Taking advantage of the classic Midwest winter -- solid overcast with about a 2,000 ceiling -- one local resident on the approach path to Milwaukee Mitchell airport's 19R last year offered a neatly lettered rooftop sign, "Welcome to Cleveland!"

Boston Center: " ... <garbled> ... descend and maintain 110."

Unknown aircraft: "That was blocked, sir."

Boston Center: "Good, then I can change it."

When President Bush is in residence at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, the prohibited area around it often expands, and pilots are instructed by NOTAM to contact nearby Waco approach control for assistance in avoiding the airspace.

While flying recently in the area, a pilot monitoring frequency overheard the following from the very busy Waco controller:

Cessna 1234, don't be alarmed by the two F-16s circling a couple of thousand feet overhead ... and DON'T climb until advised.

Waterloo Approach (providing flight following): Cherokee 123, I've got a primary target at your 2 o'clock, 3 miles, altitude unknown. Looks low and real slow.

Cherokee 123: Waterloo, any info on altitude or speed?

Waterloo Approach: No, primary target only. Wait a minute ... disregard. Its a semi on the interstate.

Approach: Cessna 1234, say your indicated airspeed. 

Cessna 1234: Our ground speed is 59 knots. Is that going to be a problem? 

Approach: No problem. We're open 24 hours.

Aircraft: Ground, Bigjet 123 would like to report a family of cats crossing taxiway Bravo.

Ground: Roger. They're there to keep the family of mice off the taxiway.

Ground: 360 approved, 180 recommended.

[pause]

Airline123: You've been saving that one for while, haven't you?

Controller: Cleared for a Visual Approach. Maintain 170 knots for slower traffic ahead.

757 Crew: OK, we're visualizing Runway 36L and practicing slow flight.

XXXXX -- On the runway from approach, which dispersal please.

Tower -- Back to Alpha. At what height did you see the lights, please?

[pause]

XXXXX -- What lights?

Big Airport International information Delta. 2100 zulu ... [weather, approach information, NOTAMs, etc.] ... Arriving aircraft contact approach at 120.3 ... [silence] ... You stupid machine, why do you always do this to me?

Recently, a student and instructor were practicing holds over a VOR. Strong winds aloft led to a very messy hold entry. When finally established in the hold, the controller asked:

"Cherokee 1234, was that the Spirograph entry?"

Departure: Diamond 1234, what is your on-course heading to St. Paul?

Diamond: (After looking at the GPS) About 304 degrees for Diamond 1234.

Departure: Diamond 1234, you are cleared about on course to St. Paul.

Four months later, the younger son, Brian, was called to kindergarten roundup, where the officious school psychologist was conducting evaluations. When Brian's turn came, the shrink said: "Brian, what color is an apple?" Brian replied: "Are you talking about the inside or the outside of the apple?" Perplexed, the shrink went on: "Well, Brian, which goes faster, a train or a plane?" Straight-faced, Brian replied: "Well, Doctor, it kind of depends on the headwinds."

CAP Flight XXX: Roger, Tampa, we don't have rear-view mirrors installed, so please keep us informed.

Captain: Copy. Could we get an EFC [expect further clearance], please?

ATC: Indefinite.

Captain: ...I don't think I have the fuel for that.

Cherokee 1234: "Cherokee 1234 requesting direct Paris." Razorback Approach: "Cherokee 1234, is that Paris, Arkansas, or Paris, Texas? ...It's kinda important."

Atlantic City Approach: Well, it's just something you've got to do ... when you're going to land.

Tower: "Cessna just departing Avalon, for your future information ... in the Southern Hemisphere most runways numbered 36 generally point NORTH!!!!!"

A little boy and his mother were taking his first commercial airplane ride. After boarding the plane, taking off and being at cruise altitude for some time, the puzzled boy looked at his mother and said, "so when do we get smaller?"

While taxiing past aircraft stands, and noticing some passengers boarding the rear entrance of a Finnair DC9, the Captain remarked to the F/O: "Look at all those people disappearing into Finnair."

A brand-new pilot flew his then-girlfriend to Mendocino, Calif., to propose to her. His logbook entry for that day shows where his mind was:

SQL to O48 -- Asked Monika to marry me, she said yes, will avoid the Class B airspace on the way home.

I was flying my first "Bay Tour" in the San Francisco Bay area and didn't yet know many of the landmarks. As I continued up the coastline I was handed over to SFO, who announced, "Cessna xxxxx, turn left to 300 and report Shoreline." I promptly reported that I was "unable." That course would not take me over the Shoreline Amphitheatre -- the landmark was retreating behind me.

Regardless, the controller stated that it was at my 12:00, and "please report Shoreline." After going back and forth few times, the controller said, a bit exasperatedly, "It's the long thing with sand."

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter."

<silence>

Instructor: "Cessna 1234, Tom, you ok up there?"

<silence>

Instructor: "Cessna 1234, um, Tom, you've got to key the mike. I can't hear it when you nod."

Pilot: "Good Morning Vienna Ground, could you give me a rough time check?"

Ground: "Good Morning sir, today is Tuesday."

Overheard while transitioning San Francisco Class Bravo, between Bay Approach and a United 747:

Bay Approach: United 12345 Heavy, traffic a triple-7 at your 12 o'clock, climbing through 2,000 feet.

United 12345: Roger Bay, we have the light twin in sight.

A pilot departing La Crosse, Wis., contacted Minneapolis center. After initial contact, the following transmission was heard:

"Attention all aircraft on this frequency, this controller position will no longer be manned." Perplexed, the captain and first officer looked at each other with amazement. After 10 or 15 seconds another transmission, now in a woman's voice, said... "That was not funny."

On a flight near Madison, Wis., a pilot overheard this exchange on the frequency:

Madison Approach: "Cessna 1234, are you direct to Madison?"

Cessna 1234: "We're trying."

Madison Approach: "Cessna 1234, turn right 20 degrees and try harder."

A pilot overheard this exchange between another pilot and a female controller at Miami Center:

Cessna 1234: "Miami Center, this is Cessna 1234. Are you having radio problems? We're hearing intermittent static on your frequency."

Miami Center: "Yeah, my husband says he gets intermittent static from me, also."

Kalamazoo Approach was giving an approach clearance to an instrument student, when the student told them he would have to cancel IFR and return to the field VFR.

"We're having problems with the intercom, and I can't hear the instructor," he explained.

"That's okay," the controller responded, "Instructors are optional."

While flying out to Reno in September (for the Air Races that didn't happen) a pilot overheard the following on 122.0:

"Albuquerque Flight Watch, this is King Air 12345, request weather from Santa Fe to your location and any reports of turbulence..."

"King Air 12345, weather is ... nothing significant, and I've had no complaints about turbulence."

"Roger, King Air 12345, thanks."

"Albuquerque Flight Watch, this is Cessna 54321, if you want complaints about turbulence, I can give you some."

Recently, a pilot listening on a frequency near Dallas/Fort Worth overheard this exchange between air traffic control and an American Airlines aircraft:

ATC: American 1234, descend and maintain 5,000, heading 280.

... Silence

ATC: American 1234, Regional Approach?

... Silence

ATC: Okay, American 1234, will you answer to TWA?

A Lewisham reader told the Sydney (Australia) Morning Herald that one day, while boarding an airline flight aboard a twin-engine Saab, the smiling flight attendant welcomed everyone as usual, then raised the stairs and sealed the door. There was an expectant pause, then the head steward realized someone was missing. The door was opened, the stairs lowered ... and the pilot got on, to a round of applause.

A pilot took his grandson to the airport to watch airplanes, which always enthralled the boy. He watched, fascinated, as several airplanes took off and flew up, up and away, into the sky. Then they spotted a plane on final, and the boy asked what the plane was doing. The grandfather explained that the pilot was done flying and coming in to land now. And the boy looked up with angelic eyes and said, "But if you take off, why would you ever want to land?"

One Saturday, a student pilot (read: his CFI) failed to report his position as ordered by the tower. Just before turning base the controller realized that the sequence wouldn't work so he told the offender to make two left 360s and report back on base.

Another aircraft entering the pattern called in and said that he had traffic in sight maneuvering ahead. The controller replied, "Don't worry about him, he's in the penalty box!"

During development of the A-7 Strike Fighter modification, it was necessary to ballast the nose to balance the plane for the F-101 engine. The U.S. Air Force strongly objected to use of the term "ballast," so the aerodynamics engineer then proposed 300 pounds of "Passive Stability Augmentation."

That was approved.

Student: "Tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, BUSY intersection, information BRAVO, landing, and I can't see bupkis."

Tower: "Is that a nautical bupkis or a statute bupkis?"

Orville:

Call the bike shop; we're in deep trouble. Ma wants her bedsheets back!

-- Wilbur

N12345: "Ah, Clearance, what was that squawk code again?"

Clearance: "Cessna 345, squawk 3423."

N12345: "Clearance, we need a squawk code that ends in zero."

Clearance (instantaneously): "How about 1200?"

XYZ123: "Good morning ground; Airline 123 request start-up and push- back, please."

Tower: "Airline 123, expect start up in two hours."

XYZ123: "Please confirm: Two hours' delay?"

Tower: "Affirmative."

XYZ123: "In that case, cancel the good morning!"

A military student pilot on a low-level VFR flight was struggling to find the entry point to his route in less-than-perfect weather. Hoping to see the ground better at a lower altitude, he called Center.

Student: "I need your lowest altitude ever."

Center: "I can give you sea level, but I don't think you'll like it."

A few years ago, I was explaining to my spouse the traffic pattern and its different legs: Take-off, crosswind, downwind, base and final. The message seemed to be getting through.

Later, on seeing a plane in the pattern at a local airport, my spouse happily announced, "Look, there's one on its last legs."

Lake: "That's okay; he can't land on water."

I overheard the following at National Airport last month, while all departing aircraft (including mine) were being held on the ground:

Tower: "United XXX, can you execute a hard right turn without encroaching upon the runway?"

United XXX: "Negative." (brief pause...) "I could if my engines were running."

I had a nice visit with my parents in Florida and, as usual, I promised to call as soon as I arrived home safely. A mag problem and Wx delays made the trip longer than normal, but I eventually got there and had this exchange:

Me: "Indianapolis Approach, N12345, landing Indianapolis with (ATIS)."

Indy Approach: "N12345, is there a 'Mark' on board?"

Me, sheepishly: "Uhh, yes."

Indy Approach: "CALL YOUR MOTHER!"

An airline pilot was traveling with his young son aboard a company jet. Late into the flight, the son said, "Dad, I can tell we are getting ready to land."

The father proudly started thinking, "He must have noticed the attitude of the aircraft changing, or maybe he heard the slats extending and felt the speed brakes rumbling."

When he asked his son how he knew that they were about to land, the reply was, "Because all the flight attendants are putting on their high-heeled shoes."

New York Center: "Bonanza 12345, you are overtaking Lake traffic at your ten o'clock and 4 miles, 6,500 feet."

Bonanza 12345: "Traffic in sight."

Center: "Lake 23456, Bonanza at your 5 o'clock, 6,000 feet is overtaking you."

Lake: "That's okay; he can't land on water."

On a penny-a-pound ride I once gave at an airport open house, I used a 1957 C172, the one with the flap handle on the floor. On short final, I pulled on all 40 degrees on but we still floated a ways.

Later, he told his mother that he liked the flight but, "When the guy pulled the emergency brake on, we still didn't stop!"

Bellanca pilot: "Approach, I need to land and close my door."

OKC Approach: "Are you having any control problems?"

Bellanca pilot: "No more than usual."

Me: "You should seriously consider working the tower at the Oshkosh convention."

Chicago Approach Control: "Oshkosh? No way. Too busy!"

Instructor: "What has to be displayed in the airplane, facing front, that passengers can see?"

Student: "The propeller...?"

Pilot: "Reagan Tower, airline 123 for the visual."

DCA Tower: "If you'll refrain from calling us 'Reagan Tower,' we won't call you 'Eastern Airlines.'"

Several years ago while instructing in sailplanes, I took a young boy for his first flight. I had to fly from the front seat to keep the weight and balance of the Schweizer 2-33 within the envelope. I found a weak thermal and racked the glider into a steep 360-degree turn. Since I was concentrating on milking all the lift I could from the thermal, I neglected to keep my passenger apprised of what I was doing.

After completing about 20 consecutive 360s, I heard a weak, quivering voice from the back seat ask, "What's the matter mister, is it stuck?"

A Navy officer was cutting through the crew's quarters of his carrier one day and happened upon a sailor reading a magazine with his feet up on the small table in front of him.

"Sailor! Do you put your feet up on the furniture at home?" the officer demanded.

"No, sir, but it's not the same thing, is it?"

"What do you mean, 'not the same'?"

"Well, we don't land airplanes on our roof at home either!"

"San Carlos airport information Zulu ... Bird advisory in effect; 150- foot crane one mile southwest of the airport...."

Approach controller: "Arrow 12345, are you a high- or low-tail Arrow?"

N12345: "Uhh ... standby; let me check."

Tower: "Airline XXX, it looks like one of your baggage doors is open."

Captain (after quickly scanning the FE panel): "Ah, thanks tower, but you must be looking at our APU door."

Tower: "Okay, Airline XXX, cleared for takeoff."

Captain: "Cleared for takeoff, Airline XXX."

Tower, during the takeoff roll: "Airline XXX, ahh ... it appears that your APU is leaking luggage..."

A United Airlines 747 captain tries to make light banter with Sydney, Australia, Approach Control ...

Captain: "Good morning, Sydney, this is United XXX, we're 50 miles out and have your island in sight ..."

Approach: "Roger, United ... you're cleared to circle the island twice, then it's okay to land."

Student pilots who can fly "OK" often still get tongue-tied trying to talk on the radio. This student -- after practicing in her mind several times -- decided she would go for it, and called the tower: "... Ready for takeoff, request a straight-out-approach."

To which ATC had this to say: "Lady, if you can do it, you can have it!"

Overheard on O'Hare frequency inbound:

Controller: "Airline 22, slow to 170, you're following a Citation."

Airline 22: "Slow to 170, roger ... I thought a Citation was a jet?!"

Navy XXX: "Duluth, we don't have any Jeopardy contestants on board and we were wondering if you could tell us what lake that is that we're seeing."

Duluth Approach: "Do you mean that big one off to your right?"

Navy XXX: "Yup, that's it."

Duluth Approach: "That would be Lake Superior."

Several years ago I was flying co-pilot for a crusty old Braniff captain. As we descended towards JFK at the "barber pole," ATC asked us to slow to 250. The captain kept the speed on the "barber pole." When ATC asked us to say our speed, the captain told me to respond with "250."

When I did the controller immediately responded, "Roger, slow to 40."

Washington Center (male voice): "N12345 ... ahhh ... disregard."

N12345 (male voice): "Were you trying to give 12345 direct Monroe?"

Washington Center (after a short pause): "N12345, cleared direct Monroe."

N12345: "Direct Monroe, 12345. If I knew who you were, I'd kiss you!"

Washington Center (after another short pause): "Well, I'm glad you don't know who I am."

Omaha Approach: "Southwest 405, expedite your descent though 3,000. Traffic at one o'clock and seven miles; a Citabria northeast-bound at 3,500."

SW 405: "Roger, expediting through 3,000. Is the Citabria doing aerobatics?"

Omaha Approach: "No, but he will be if you don't expedite below 3,000."

Willard Airport, at Champaign, Ill., while being nowhere near anything, still manages to get hectic at times thanks to the numerous training aircraft from the University of Illinois and the trainees in the tower. On one particularly nice day, the pattern was hopping with numerous aircraft when this gem was heard:

Tower: "Archer 46R, right 360 for spacing."

46R: "Ummm, unable."

Tower: "46R, you're unable to do a 360?"

46R: "Affirmative; student solo."

Tower: "Can you do a turn around a point?"

46R: "Affirmative."

Tower: "Okay, see that parking lot? Do turns around a point until I say to stop!"

It was mealtime during our trip on a small airliner flying over the northwest. "Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked the man seated in front of me.

"What are my choices?" he asked.

"Yes or no," she replied.

The weather was marginal VFR on the ILS approach to Runway 5 at Birmingham, Ala. Just outside the marker I was between layers and had this exchange with approach:

Citation xyz: "Approach, be advised that there is a bunch of blue and white balloons just outside the marker."

Approach: "What were they?"

Citation xyz: "Balloons. You know like someone let go from a wedding reception or something."

App: "Oh, balloons. Which way were they headed?"

Citation xyz: "Ummm ... downwind."

DCA Tower: "70GD, congratulations."

70GD: "Thanks ... for what?"

DCA Tower: "You are the first person to ever make the first turnoff since that runway was built three years ago. Nice looking plane. Is that a new Tiger?"

70GD: "No, it is a 1976 model, but it thinks it's a Maule."

The winter winds were howling out of the west as flights got in line for the approach to Detroit's Runway 21R. Approach control asked the Northwest flight ahead of a 757 if they had a readout on the winds at 3,000 feet. The NWA pilot came right back and said, "Hey, we're a DC-9 -- we're lucky to know what state we're flying over!"

Denver: "Learjet 5234J ... for a vector to Hector, contact the sector director...."

Controller: "Archer 1234, your Mode C is not operating."

Archer 1234: "I'll recycle it."

Archer 1234: "Are you receiving my Mode C now?"

Controller: "I have 1,400 indicated."

Archer 1234: "I'm showing 1,450."

Controller: "That's close enough for government work."

Unidentified pilot: "If I could just get you to do my taxes..."

Observed recently, stenciled on the engine cowl of a Brand B airliner flown by a major air carrier:

"Do not open fan cowl door until leading edge slats are retracted and deactivated. See instructions inside door."

A very low-time student was on an early area solo out from Camden Airport, just south of Sydney. Returning to the airfield, the student was obviously a little confused as to how to join the circuit and began circling the airfield at about 2,000 feet.

A very nervous voice was then heard on the radio: "Camden Tower, this is Tomahawk ABC, request instructions for descent."

Very quickly came ATC's response: "ABC, push the nose down."

Back in the early 1960s, Patrick AFB, Fla., was losing its C-54 four- engine transports and some of the crews. The maintenance officer asked one of the C-54 flight engineers if he'd like to move over to the SA- 16, the military designation for Grumman's Albatross amphibian, which were used to support NASA sites on small islands in the Bahamas and made many, many water landings.

The flight engineer thought about it for some 30 seconds, and then said, "No sir. That's a four-engine ocean out there."

The maintenance officer, himself a SA-16 pilot, replied, "Yeah, but we can taxi all the way."

Tower: "Falcon 12345, runway three-four, cleared to land. Traffic is a Tampico on short final."

Hot-shot Falcon pilot: (snidely) "What's a Tampico?"

Tower: "Single-engine low-wing, sorta like a Cherokee."

Hot-shot Falcon pilot: (condescendingly) "Oh! We thought it was a Mexican restaurant."

Tower: "United 123, runway three-four, cleared to land. Traffic is a Falcon, one-mile final."

United: (with just the right amount of irony) "What's a Falcon?"

After minutes of busy, almost frantic transmissions between the controller and his charges, a lull in the action finally occurred. After a moment, the controller finally said, "Cessna 123, what are you doing right now?"

The obvious reply came right back: "Cessna 123 is disregarding."

The not-so-obvious response? "Roger, Cessna 123. Continue."

This colourfully printed barf bag encouraged passengers to -- and I swear that I'm not making up this quote -- "Re-live those wonderful memories."

A few years ago, when Sabena, the Belgian airline, was still landing in Libreville, Gabon, a flight left in very rough weather toward Kinshasa, Zaire, in west-central Africa. The following conversation was overheard:

"Sabena 123, maintain contact with Brazzaville."

"Control, I can't even maintain contact with my own seat."

"'GLS' is the acronym for GNSS Landing System; GNSS is the acronym for Global Navigation Satellite System."

Only in aviation and from the FAA is there a need for an acronym to define another acronym.

We were flying over Madison, Wis., on a nice Sunday headed for lunch and in contact with the exceptionally great people at the Madison TRACON. All of a sudden we heard a voice over the frequency:

"Ah, Madison, this is Cessna 12345 ... lost."

The cheerful controller came back and asked if the pilot could enter a squawk code; she could and did. The controller then asked her destination, to which she responded, "Madison."

A few moments later, the controller came back: "Okay, 12345; you're not lost ... you just haven't found the airport yet."

A controller trainee (a.k.a., developmental) was heard to say while training on ground control:

"Cessna 12345, are you the Cessna behind the Cessna in front of you?"

A light twin had just landed on Runway 29. Missing the last turnoff onto Taxiway Delta, its pilot started to turn left onto Golf when the controller spoke up:

Tower: "N1234, that taxiway is approved for single-engine use only."

N1234: "That's okay, I'll just shut down one engine."

Center: "Delta XXX, say your Mach speed for in-trail spacing."

Delta XXX: "Center, oh, we're really hauling ass."

Center: "I don't care what kind of cargo you're carrying, I just want to know how fast you're going."

"Boeing Field Information Turkey, special observation (all the usual November morning stuff about mist and low overcast). Advise controller on initial contact you have Turkey!"

At the height of the confusion, a T-38 arrived on initial. Aboard was a crew with keen appreciation for the burden placed on the folks in the tower. Their radio call?

"Moody Tower, Sacker 43 on initial. What are my intentions?"

Finally, an exasperated tower controller said, "Helio Courier on 24 Left, could you please just land and taxi to your hangar? It'd be quicker...."

While flying through the Phoenix Class B airspace with a student pilot, a controller called "Opposite direction traffic at twelve o'clock and four miles, four thousand five hundred feet, a Cherokee."

The student looked at me with a blank stare and said, "His clock or mine?"

We had an accident recently with our Mooney and went out with fellow pilots one Sunday to take some additional photos.

Having taken the digital photos needed, one pilot commented, "It's not so bad. Nothing Photoshop can't fix."

Controller to Air France Airbus: "Please confirm whether you are an A330 or A340."

Air France Airbus: "We are senior pilots. We only fly the A340."

Controller: "In that case, captain, please fire up your other two engines and get to the altitude and speed that I assigned to you."

While I was waiting for ground control to give me a taxi clearance, I overheard the following exchange:

N12345: "Boeing ground, N12345. Can you give me a radio check?"

BFI Ground: "You sound like you're calling from a tin can."

N12345: "We *are* calling from a tin can..."

Cessna XXXX: "Tower, every time I turn crosswind, I have trouble receiving you. No matter which runway I'm on I get the same thing. Have you any idea or suggestion what I might do to improve the situation?"

Tower: "I'll check with the tower chief." (Delay)

Tower: "Cessna XXXX, the tower chief suggests you not turn crosswind."

Cessna XXX: "Approach, this is Cessna XXX, we need some help getting down."

Approach: "Can you fly IFR?"

Cessna XXX: "Nope."

Approach: "Are you VFR right now?"

Cessna XXX: "Nope."

Protracted silence.

Approach: "Can you hold a heading and altitude?"

Cessna XXX: "No problemo."

Approach: "Stay on your current heading and altitude until you reach VFR conditions."

Cessna XXX: "Roger."

Approach: "When you get to VFR, let's talk."

Cessna XXX: "About what?"

Approach: "I am sure we can think of something."

Cessna N1234: "234 going around."

Tower: "Roger, report left downwind."

Cessna N1234: "Roger."

Tower: "234, I think I know why you had to go around."

Cessna N1234: "Oh? Why?"

Tower: "Because your landing gear isn't long enough to land from that altitude."

Some local flying club students were visiting the tower for the first time and being shown all the equipment, radar screens, radios, etc., by the two controllers on duty.

One of the students asked, "Have you ever had a real live emergency?"

The controllers thought for a minute and then one replied, "Well yeah, we did run out of coffee once...."

Aerodrome Information for Arriving Aircraft at Manchester Barton:

"For noise abatement, pilots are requested to avoid flying low over the cemetery to the northeast of the aerodrome."

An airliner was suffering through a severe thunderstorm. As the passengers were being bounced around by the turbulence a young woman turned to a priest sitting next to her and with a nervous laugh asked, "Father, you're a man of God, can't you do something about this storm?"

To which he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

Recently my three-year-old son and I went to ride with a friend in our 182 while he practiced his landings. After seven or eight landings we decided to make a full stop and get a bite to eat at the airport diner.

Over dinner my son asked, "Why were we taking off and landing so many times?"

I replied, "John was practicing his landings."

My son then inquired, "Why was he practicing BUMPY landings?"

While aboard AA 1157 from BUF to ORD, a woman sitting next to a loyal AVweb reader had the following conversation with the flight attendant:

Passenger: "Are we in a holding pattern?"

Flight Attendant: (Turns around and looks out the window) "No, we're still moving."

The frustrated student answered, "Sounds like he is right next to me."

The weather in Oregon has been seasonal. Rain for days, and now snow starting yesterday. Freezing down to 2000 feet. I'm based at the Illinois Valley Airport (3S4), Cave Junction, Ore., surrounded by the beautiful Siskiyou Mountains.

I've been waiting to ferry a PA-32 to southern California. Yesterday morning I called Flight Service, and asked for an outlook briefing to get over the Siskiyous southbound. The FSS Specialist asked, "and what month are you planning to depart?"

There's still a few good guys left, at least in Flight Service!

After a few seconds, the controller tried a different approach: "UAL XXX, turn toward the copilot", at which point the aircraft made an immediate 90-degree turn to the right...

(Think about it...it'll come to you.)

"Asking a pilot what he thinks about the FAA is like asking a fireplug what it thinks about a dog."

"Captain"

My friend replied, "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like that and I'll have parts enough for another one."

...and one not-so-quick-thinking Fire Marshall:

I turned on the 10 O'clock channel 9 news here in LA recently, and saw where a single engine plane (identified as Aero Commander) went down short of the Burbank airport. Both people on board survived. The pilot was lucid as he was being cut out of the wreckage and said he ran out of fuel over Eagle Rock and was trying to make Burbank.

Remarking about the lack of fire, the Fire Marshall in charge of the rescue said, "They are just lucky there was no fuel on board."

The lone controller was bored too, but insisted on proper terminology and would lecture the pilot on proper radio technique every morning. The lessons fell on deaf ears and the pilot continued his daily "guess who?" callups.

That is, until the morning the radio crackled: "Jones Field, guess who?" The controller, well prepared, turned off all the lights on the airport and responded "Jones Field, guess WHERE!" establishing proper communications from then on.

Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match.

Then, the paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin colony and over fly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins fall over gently onto their backs."

--Audubon Society Magazine

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.