Tower: Cessna XXX, you said you were at taxiway Alpha One? Alpha Two?
Cessna XXX: Uh... We're holding at Alpha Three.
Tower: Right. One plus Two equals Three.
United XXX: LA Center, say again the frequency for United XXX. No answer on 133.4.
Center: United XXX, 133.4 is correct. Try again. If there's still no answer, come back up this frequency ... and I'll send somebody over there to smack the dirt out of their ears.
Controller: N123, is that airplane painted green?
Pilot: Uh, yes. ...Why?
Controller: Just checking our new color radar.
F-100: Ground control, F-100 ready to taxi.
Ground: F-100 clear to taxi to Runway 5 left. Follow the 767 ahead of you.
F-100: Where is the '67 going?
Ground: To Madrid ... but you just follow him till before the runway!!!
Won't the passengers be upset?
Tower (again): Sorry, I couldn't help myself.
Me: Skylane 12345, West hangers, with MIKE, taxi.
Before I could get a word in edge-wise, my brother, Mike, (with awe in his voice...) said, You have to even tell them who is with you?
It took several minutes for me to regain composure and get on with the flight.
Heavy 123: Holding straight and level.
At least, that's assuming my First Officer can hold straight & Level...
O'Hare: Speedbird xxx slow to 200 kts.
Speedbird xxx: Sorry, running late, need to keep the speed up.
O'Hare: Ok, turn right 90 degrees and keep your speed up.
Speedbird xxx: Errr, how long would we be on that heading?
O'Hare: Till you slow to 200.
Speedbird xxx: Roger, slowing to 200
Citation XXX: 127.35, have a nice day.
Boston Center: Citation XXX, that frequency is 123.75.
Citation XXX: Sorry, 123.75, we were dyslexic but were KO now.
Departure Control: Continental ABC turn left heading 240 degrees and climb to 11,000.
Departure Control: Continental ABC, Simon says turn left heading 240 degrees and climb to 11,000.
Continental ABC: Roger, left turn 240 and up to 11,000, Continental ABC.