Short Final

Lady ATC Controller (in a somewhat monotone and hard-to-hear voice): Airliner 123, proceed direct FATHR.

Airliner 123: Say again for 123.

ATC: 123, proceed direct FATHR.

Airliner: Couldn't quite understand you. center. Say again.

ATC (now in a slow, deliberate but still monotone voice): Airliner 123, proceed direct FATHR, as in "Luke, I am your father."

Airliner 123 (with chuckles): Direct FATHR, 123.

Later on, for a frequency change ...

ATC: Airliner 123, contact center on 123.45.

Airliner 123: Center on 123.45, and may the force be with you.

Thanks for the support...

I made a pretty nice landing in my Husky at San Antonio International last week with 20 knots across the runway. On rollout, the controller and I had the following conversation:

Controller: That was a pretty stiff crosswind.

Me: Yeah, I was looking for "10" cards up in the tower cab but couldn't see any.

Controller: That's 'cause we had our hands on the crash phones.

Proper radio technique -- think, click, speak...

Flying in the practice area northwest of Daytona Beach an aircraft was giving an advisory call that went like this:

Lake Disston traffic, Cessna 12345 is northeast ... uh, west. No, east. [pause] Where the hell are we?

I was in the pattern at KSRQ shooting a bunch of touch and goes in a Piper Cherokee. The tower called with my next landing clearance. The conversation went something like this...

Tower: Warrior 12345, cleared touch and go, runway 22.

Me: Cherokee 12345, cleared touch and go, runway 22.

Tower: Cessna 12345, roger. Winds 240 at 5.

Me: 12345 is a Piper Cherokee, sir. Roger Wind.

Tower: Warrior 12345, copy.

[pause]

Tower: (Laughter)

"I was sitting on the ramp just about to fly out of Lubbock, TX, yesterday when hopping along came the biggest jackrabbit I ever saw. I thought I would advise ground control about it so they could spare some aircraft from making contact with it on the runway..."

Me: Lubbock ground, um, there's a big jackrabbit headed for the runway on TWY Romeo.

[pause]

Me: Uh... I thought I would tell you so the people who take care of those things could do something about it.

Ground: Copy that. The coyote over there on Mike looks like he'll take care of it.

Flying in Essex county in England, one day:

Southend ATC (having radio trouble): G-ABCD, Southend, radio check.

[no response]

Southend ATC: G-EFGH, Southend, radio check.

[again no response]

Southend ATC: G-IJKL, Southend, radio check

G-IJKL: Roger Southend, your readability, 4.

Southend ATC: Well... One outta three ain't bad.

DEP: ... Airliner123 cleared to FL33, as filed to Atlanta.

123: (after readback) Wish you worked Atlanta, we always get a stairstep out of there.

DEP: That's why they call us "controllers."

123: I already have a wife.

On the return home Saturday I heard the following exchange as I headed southbound passing Madison, WI. Warrior 98765 was heading north and already receiving a Flight Following Service from Madison Approach.

Warrior 123: Madison, Warrior 123. Can you tell me if there is a NOTAM or anything for getting into Oshkosh?

Madison Approach: Say Again ...

Warrior 765: Yeah. Can you tell me if there is any kind of special NOTAM for getting into Oshkosh today?

[Long Pause]

Madison Approach: You're kidding, right?

Warrior 765: No, my [garbled] was out and I couldn't get anything before I took off. Can you tell me what the arrival procedure is?

[Longer Pause]

Madison Approach: (speaking slowly) I suggest you land before you get there and get a copy. There's one here at Wisconsin Aviation ... or Middleton is in your 10 o'clock.

Warrior 765: Standby ...

The following was an exchange between a friend and a pre-flight briefer last weekend. The briefer got to the NOTAMS and there was one for a rocketry club near Schaumburg, IL...

My Friend: Man! First it's North Korea, now Schaumburg!

It took the briefer about two minutes to stop laughing enough to continue the briefing.

Tower: N12345 traffic at your one o'clock.

N12345: Looking for traffic.

[long pause...]

Tower: N12345 traffic now ... your traffic at three o'clock.

N12345: Still looking. I only see birds over there.

Tower: Well, look close. One of them has a transponder in it.