Short Final

The dangers of the double negative...

ATC: Did you get your numbers?

Airline: [Somewhat garbled] Negative.

ATC: Was it "Negative?"

Airline: [Again, rather garbled] Affirmative.

ATC: So ... "negative," or "affirmative?"

Airline: "Affirmative" for "negative..." [the other guy in the cockpit can be heard chuckling in the background]

Falling on deaf ears...

Airline: New York Center, Bizmumble 123, inbound from across the pond. How are you today?

Center: Well ... I'm working on a holiday.

Airline (indignantly): You're barkin' up the wrong tree, buddy.

All in a day's work...

I was working at LAN FSS prompting a new student through the flight plan form. When we got to the bottom fo the form I asked the student, "Number on board and color."

Student: One white male.

Courtesy of our sister magazine, IFR:

Returning home from the West Coast a few years ago, we landed in Flint Mich. The Midwest had weeks of rain and overcast skies that summer and I got this on departure...

"Bonanza Five Four Seven Zero Victor, when vou get on top would you look out to the southeast and tell me if you see a big bright light?"

-- Don Sanderson Bear Creek, Pennsylvania

Identification by dialect...

While enjoying a chartered King Air flight, a fellow passenger and I were passing time trying to guess from what part of the country the crew originated. The conversation came to an abrupt end when we noticed one of the landing lights seemed to be shining oddly skyward,

Voice In The Cockpit: Look there, one landing light is possum huntin'.

My Friend: Deep south?

Me: I'll take that bet.

During 1978 while working ground control, a C-152 from a neighboring airport's flight school was getting ready to depart. Prior to engine start the pilot called the tower and was informed, "Clearance on request, contact ATIS prior to taxi." The instruction prompted the following response...

Pilot: Cessna 1234 ready to taxi and we contacted Patrick ATIS ... but ... uh ... we couldn't get a word in edgewise.

Occasionally heard on the MRI ATIS on slow days (and dozens of other ATII across the country).

Advise on contact you have information ECHO...Echo...echo...

Another day, another air show...

I was "in the queue" for landing at Oshkosh a couple of years back. As everyone knows, landing aircraft are spoken to but don't verbally reply to the FAA controllers.

ATC to Two ahead of me: Brown Cessna, land on the Orange Spot. Rock your wings if you copy.

(The Cessna rocked his wings.)

ATC to One ahead of me: Red Biplane, land on the Blue Spot. Rock your wings.

(The Pitts Special executed two snap rolls to the left.)

ATC: And save that for the show, will you?

The price of progress...

I had been through the area five days before, controllers stated that they were having intermittent reception on my transponder. I later left their area and had no further problems on the flight. Just to be sure, I had a mechanic check it out, and he found no problems. Five days later, through the same Evansville, Indiana control area, the same problem reared its head...

Controller: Cessna 12345, I am not receiving your transponder.

Me: I don't understand that. I had the same problem with you last week and I had the unit inspected with no problems.

Controller: Well that's peculiar. In that case, maybe it has something to do with the 1950's technology equipment built in the 1970's held together by 1990's duct tape we're using on this end. Come to think of it, it's probably us.

Sometimes, perspective is everything.

Several years ago I was flying into OSH in the late afternoon, second in line for runway 27 behind a warbird on straight in. As everyone who flies into OSH during convention knows, there are three colored dots on the runway that help separate aircraft so the controller can land three on the same runway at the same time. The conversation went something like this:

Tower: Warbird, cleared to land, runway 27 on the "Green" dot.

Warbird: Ahhh ... which one's the "Green" dot.

Tower: Well, it's not the "Red" one and it's not the "Orange" one.

Warbird: With the glare, they all look the same.

Tower: Oops, sorry, it's the first one. Cleared to land, runway 27, on the first dot.