Short Final

The new math.

Airline ABC: Miami center, Airline ABC, any ride reports up ahead? We're getting continuous light to moderate here at two-eight-oh.

Center: Airline ABC, Miami center, no ride reports for that area, but I've got three-zero-zero available. That's a brand new flight level ... so there shouldn't be any potholes in the road yet.

Overheard, one beautiful sunny day in southern California. I wasn't clear on exactly what the miscommunication was, either...

Twr: Helicopter N123 are you heading southeast after takeoff?

N123: Negative, request south towards San Diego.

Twr: There are mountains in the way...

(pause)

N123: ...which explains our use of an aircraft today.

Short runway, shorter fuse, and usually carrying less animated cargo...

Tower: Understand you're without cargo today. If you're light, cleared for runway 6.

N1234: All I have on board is my wife ... and she's heavy, but not THAT heavy.

(pause)

Tower: Roger N1234, and she's flying with you, now?

N1234: Yep, she's got her headset on and is punching the heck out of me.Cleared to land runway 6, N1234.

Tower: Copy all. ...We'll roll the trucks.

Flying with the wife.

Me: Skyhawk ##1, four miles south of the field, entering left downwind runway 22.

Other Pilot: N##2 crossing mid-field. I dont see you, do you have your lights on?

ME: We are all lit.

Wife: (over the intercom) That didn't sound right.

Me: Just to clarify, the plane is lit, not the pilot.

An oldie, but a goodie...

A fighter pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running, "a bit peaked." A controller responded and the lore follows...

ATC: Roger. You're number two behind a B-52. They've had to shut down an engine.

Fighter Pilot: Ah, yes ... the dreaded seven-engine approach.

As I approached untowered Booneville (AR) Municipal Airport, I announced on CTAF. This was the exchange:

Me: Skylane 123 entering left downwind, runway 27 Booneville.

Unicom: Roger, Skylane 123, Wind is calm. Sklane 123, your rotating beacon is not working. Wait ... yes it is. No it's not. Yes it is....

Me: Roger, thanks.

Tower: How was the ride down the ILS?

Airliner 123: Pretty good actually.....

Tower: When did you break out?

Airliner 123: (pause) 1996

Airliner 123: (even longer pause) OH!! You mean out of the clouds??

Airliner 123: ...About 1000 feet.

Submitted to our "shouldn't you have better things to do" file...

Tower: L39 N###, Did you guys get that contract with the post office?

L39: Say again Ellington Tower.

Tower: L39, We heard that the mail was going to be in the Czech.

(pause)

L39: ... Slow day, huh.

Tower: (laughing) Sorry.

(Translated from French)

Heard on 126.7...

Pilot No. 1: Cheerokee 140, C-1234, 2 miles south of Rougemont at 2000 feet in direction of Quebec. For any conflict contact GBBM on 126.7.

Pilot No. 2: Thank you...

(pause)

... Can we talk about Palestine?

On an a typical IFR day on the East coast of Florida, I heard a Piper Cherokee check in with Miami Center...

Cherokee N123: Miami Center, Cherokee N123 at 4000, ATIS for Palm Beach.
Miami Center: Cherokee N123, maintian 4000.
Cherokee: Center, I'll need to get lower to land at Palm Beach.
Center: Cherokee N123, let me see what I can arrange.
(Short pause)
Center: Cherokee N123, I've got good news. Apparently, you'll be landing at 4000 feet today.