Saturday a.m. -- during Round 2 March Madness in Illinois. After too much coffee and two hours of touch & goes I was on base after an extended downwind. Two regional jets were waiting for IFR clearance and for me to get out of their way.
Cessna 12345: Tower, Cessna 345 on two-mile final for Runway 29.
Tower: Will that be touch and go?
Cessna: No, the Illinois game is about to start soon. This will be full stop.
Regional Jet: Nice Priorities. Go Illini!
Cessna: Well, that and I really have to pee.
Tower: Roger 345. Clear to land on 29. Best of luck with both.
Veteran, cool, knowledgeable pilot "A standard rate-turn 360 degrees takes two minutes"
Controller: "Do a 180 and back 'er in".
The comm radio failed again while practicing instrument approaches. After restoring communications...
Cessna 12345: "Approach, Cessna 12345 is going to break of the approach, procede VFR to (uncontrolled home field), and kick this radio down the stairwell."
Controller, "Cessna 12345, approved, squawk VFR. After a short pause, "Will that work with my teenager?"
Citabria 123: Tower, we've had enough. Citabria 123 requests northbound departure.
Tower: Citabria 123, northbound departure approved. Sorry to see you boys leave -- sure has been entertaining!
Approach Control: Cessna 123N, say flight conditions.
Cessna 123N: I'm not sure ... it's so hazy up here it's hard to tell.
The nav replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"
The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"
The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.
The pilot asked, "What's that for?"
"To be honest sir," the nav replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."
While waiting on the ground for one-half hour on the ground for bad weather to clear, I overheard the following:
Tower: "United 123 taxi into position and hold"
United 123: "We are unable to. We have a passenger in the lavatory"
Tower: "United 124, do you have a passenger in the lav?"
United 124: "No sir"
Tower: "United 124, your up!"
"Pilots with a short pitot tube and low manifold pressure are advised to taxi up close..."
While visiting a friend, an ROTC candidate, in his on-campus townhouse, I had to use his "facilities." To my surprise, I noticed a pencil on top of the commode that inappropriately advertised, "Air Force -- Aim High!"
88U : Manchester (NH) tower Cherokee 5988U is five miles NW with a total engine failure.
MHT: (Using that standard FAA terminology) What are your intentions?
88U: I intend to land!
MHT : (that standard terminology again) Roger, how many souls on board?
88U: no souls, four heathens.