Short Final

Pilatus: Tower, we think we just hit Rocky the Squirrel half way down the runway.

Tower: I thought I saw a pink mist down there. Is your plane OK?

Pilatus: Seems we're fine, but its not been a good day for Rocky.

Tower: Let's just hope Bullwinkle doesn't come looking...

(10 minutes later)

Airport 1: Taxi 31 for squirrel removal.

Unknown voice: Do you have an approved squirrel cage for that squirrel?

Airport 1: Uh... I'm afraid this is more of a shovel operation.

Tower: Cherokee ###, extend downwind. We're scraping up the squirrel.

When communications run afowl...

(Overheard May 15, 2004.)

Tower: Landing traffic, be advised that there's still a turkey on the runway.

Pilot (speaking immediately): Tower, Cessna ### clear of the active.

Tower: Thank you ... (laughter) ... but I meant the real turkey.

(Three runways, two intersections and a lesson in geometry.)While doing touch and goes at my home airport...
Tower: Experimental XYZ, cleared to land 17, hold short of 35.

Me (without thinking): Roger, cleared on 17, hold short of 35.

(Several seconds later.)

Voice on frequency: I want to see this!

Another voice: Me, too!

Tower: Uh, Experimental XYZ, make that hold short of 22.

Voice: Darn!

While practicing for my commercial license I was in the practice area west of Cleveland Hopkins airport. I had the radio tuned to the tower and heard this...

Controller: Cessna ###, what is your purpose here on the field?

Pilot: I'm here for my check ride.
(pause)
Controller: Are you a bit nervous?

Pilot: A bit...

Controller: Because you landed on the taxiway instead of the assigned runway....

Everybody's a critic...

Overheard on a busy training day while joining the traffic pattern at Caldwell airport, N.J...

Tower: Cessna ###, traffic at your one o'clock and 1,200.

Cessna ###: We've got a Piper flying an extremely tight pattern ... or a go-around.

Tower: Piper ###, traffic, a Cessna, at your five o'clock and 1,300.

Piper: We've got a Cessna flying and extremely distant downwind ... or landing somewhere else.

From our "Finer Points of Maintenance" file...

"Remember, you really only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use the WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the duct tape."

From our brain burps file...

Tower: Fokker 170, hold position.

Fokker 170: I don't know how to do that.

(pause)

Manila Tower: [Airliner] 2, hold position. Fokker 170, continue approach, cleared to land.

Overheard enroute from RMG to 45J...

Pilot: Approach, Skylane N###, Could I have a right turn direct mydestination?

Approach: Standby. I'll check to see if that Dash 8 doing 200 knots up your five-o'clock feels like wearing you on his lapel...

Submitted to you without further comment ... the pilots of Cessna ABC weren't as lucky.

Cessna XYZ: Cessna ABC, Cessna XYZ return to base due to turbulence. Student unwell.

Cessna ABC: Cessna XYZ, my student suggests it will be better for the both of you if you climb on top.

A Cessna 182 and a Christen Eagle were on parallel approach for 28L and 28R, respectively, at FCM...

Tower: Cessna XXX, do you have traffic?

Cessna: Cessna XXX has the traffic, he's right beside me.

Tower: Eagle XXX, traffic is a Cessna 182 on parallel for 28L, Eagle XXX is cleared for landing, Runway 28R.

Christen Eagle: Roger, Eagle XXX has traffic, cleared to land Runway 28R.

Cessna: Tower, Cessna XXX here, can you let me know when ...

(pause)

.... "the Eagle has landed"?

(Several seconds of silence on frequency.)

Unidentified voice: Smart @ss.