While waiting on the ground for one-half hour on the ground for bad weather to clear, I overheard the following:
Tower: "United 123 taxi into position and hold"
United 123: "We are unable to. We have a passenger in the lavatory"
Tower: "United 124, do you have a passenger in the lav?"
United 124: "No sir"
Tower: "United 124, your up!"
"Pilots with a short pitot tube and low manifold pressure are advised to taxi up close..."
While visiting a friend, an ROTC candidate, in his on-campus townhouse, I had to use his "facilities." To my surprise, I noticed a pencil on top of the commode that inappropriately advertised, "Air Force -- Aim High!"
88U : Manchester (NH) tower Cherokee 5988U is five miles NW with a total engine failure.
MHT: (Using that standard FAA terminology) What are your intentions?
88U: I intend to land!
MHT : (that standard terminology again) Roger, how many souls on board?
88U: no souls, four heathens.
On a pleasant spring morning at the Ohio State University's Don Scott airport, with many students doing the required bounce-and-goes on 27L and 27R, I was cleared to taxi to the less active 32:
C-172: Holding short 32 awaiting release.
Twr: Student C-150 departing 27L. Position and hold 32.
C-172: Position and hold 32, caution for wake turbulance
After departing on 32 I heard the student setting up for another touch and go:
C-150: Cessna 150 heavy, cleared touch and go.
Twr: [bigger chuckle]
I took my cousin for a plane ride a few years ago. After an hour, we headed back to DuPage airport. The last 10 minutes of the flight were quiet, with almost no conversation. About six miles out, I keyed the mic and opened my mouth to contact the tower, when all of a sudden my cousin shouts loudly, "HEY, LOOK, THERE'S A NAKED LADY DOWN THERE BY THE SWIMMING POOL!" My mouth was still open and the mic button was still pushed.
Part of the passenger arrival briefing from the lone flight attendant on a United Express O'Hare-to-Memphis flight.
"Please remove all personal items from the aircraft. Any items left on board can be found at my yard sale next Sunday."
(Two company DH8's on final into Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.)
Controller: CO1234, your traffic is company DH8, at your 11 o'clock, 3,000.
CO1234: Roger Saskatoon, have company DH8 in sight, too close for missiles, going to guns.
Controller: Roger ... please avoid hitting tower.