Short Final

A friend of mine was cruising along in his turbo arrow at 18,000 feet one day when a 737 was called out to him at his 1 o'clock and 15 miles passing to his left. The 737 crew was similarly advised. When they passed, the 737 Capt remarked "What are you doing up here?" My friend replied, "About a 178 knots."

Seen on a Yahoo Message Board regarding a story about a pilot who Sunday made a successful emergency landing on a freeway in Anaheim, Calif.:"THIS JUST IN - Chicago Mayor Richard Daley plans to carve giant "X"es into the Riverside Freeway at midnight tonight."

More from our "It's all about priorities" file ...

Saturday a.m. -- during Round 2 March Madness in Illinois. After too much coffee and two hours of touch & goes I was on base after an extended downwind. Two regional jets were waiting for IFR clearance and for me to get out of their way.

Cessna 12345: Tower, Cessna 345 on two-mile final for Runway 29.

Tower: Will that be touch and go?

Cessna: No, the Illinois game is about to start soon. This will be full stop.

Regional Jet: Nice Priorities. Go Illini!

Cessna: Well, that and I really have to pee.

Tower: Roger 345. Clear to land on 29. Best of luck with both.

Frustrated Controller at LaGuardia on a busy day: "Skyhawk 735 do a one minute 360 for spacing on the final".

Veteran, cool, knowledgeable pilot "A standard rate-turn 360 degrees takes two minutes"

Controller: "Do a 180 and back 'er in".

More from our If Only file...

The comm radio failed again while practicing instrument approaches. After restoring communications...

Cessna 12345: "Approach, Cessna 12345 is going to break of the approach, procede VFR to (uncontrolled home field), and kick this radio down the stairwell."

Controller, "Cessna 12345, approved, squawk VFR. After a short pause, "Will that work with my teenager?"

Early in my tailwheel instruction, my instructor was trying to teach me wheel landings in a Citabria during a Southern California full-blown Santa Ana. Winds were approximately 45 degrees to the runway, blowing 20 knots, gusting to 35+ knots. After about 20 attempts, with about 20 saves from my instructor (lots of crow-hopping, bounces, you name it, using all of a 150-foot-wide runway), I decided I was done:

Citabria 123: Tower, we've had enough. Citabria 123 requests northbound departure.

Tower: Citabria 123, northbound departure approved. Sorry to see you boys leave -- sure has been entertaining!

More from our "It's all relative file" ...

Approach Control: Cessna 123N, say flight conditions.

Cessna 123N: I'm not sure ... it's so hazy up here it's hard to tell.

A pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The nav replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the nav replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

More from our When you gotta go, you gotta go file...

While waiting on the ground for one-half hour on the ground for bad weather to clear, I overheard the following:

Tower: "United 123 taxi into position and hold"

United 123: "We are unable to. We have a passenger in the lavatory"

Tower: "United 124, do you have a passenger in the lav?"

United 124: "No sir"

Tower: "United 124, your up!"

Last week's short final made me think of our local GA airport, which features the following sign in the men's room:

"Pilots with a short pitot tube and low manifold pressure are advised to taxi up close..."